Elaborate Lies
by Gauri
Summary: "Now, not quite.  Parts of it were true," Barney interjected.  "Well...not far off," he added thoughtfully.
1. Chapter 1

_Dedication_: To Sheilalein, my wonderful, wonderful beta. Beg her to beta for you, because she's that good. Seriously. And to my boyfriend, the one person who is always there for me, exactly the way I need him to be, and the one person that doesn't want me to be anything other than me. And who is otherwise pretty awesome.

_Disclaimer_: Not mine.

_Author's Note_: Set after Subway Wars (Season Six, Episode Four). The story is finished, and has five chapters total. I'll post a new one every Friday (Eastern Standard Time)!

* * *

**Elaborate Lies, Chapter 1**

It would be Barney Stinson's karmic fate in life that his daughter would be insanely attractive. Not in the cute girl next door kind of way, or in the sexy 'I never get this drunk' Girls Gone Wild way, but in the way that made men around her bite their knuckles, dry hump the air while whipping an air lasso around their heads, then coyly excuse themselves to go to the bathroom. Barney thought nothing of it except "awesome" until one night, while sitting with her at dinner, he saw a man sitting at the bar (in a suit) openly taking pictures of her with his camera phone and winking at her when she looked up to stare him down. It was at this moment that Barney looked up at the ceiling with a heavy sigh, marveling with respectful disdain at the universe's special brand of revenge.

He had punched the man without thinking, yelped in terror after realizing what he had done, then grabbed his daughter's hand and pulled her as fast as he could out of the restaurant, waiters and valets chasing after them as he had not paid the check. But that's a different story.

* * *

Anyways, it was happening again as she walked through the door at MacLaren's. The bartender dropped the drink he had been making: three men sitting the bar stopped mid conversation to stare: a man walked away from his cute date to awkwardly approach her, stammering. Barney laughed at loud as he watched her smile at him and introduce herself, taking special care to flash her engagement ring as she shook his hand. The man turned away towards the bar, dejected, giving her an opening to walk over to the booth.

"Hey Niece Ted!" Ted called out from his spot on the bench, standing up to give her a bear hug while mussing her blond hair slightly in the process.

"Hey Uncle Ted. That joke never seems to get old, does it?" Teddy responded sarcastically when released from his vice grip, and turned to Robin, who was seated next to Barney. "I have to confess, I am kind of hoping that you called me down here to tell me exactly how I got named after Uncle Ted."

Robin cocked her head at Teddy, feigning confusion. "Haven't I ever told you that story? Huh. I could have sworn..."

Teddy groaned. "You've told me the version where Uncle Ted killed a hundred ninjas that had kidnapped me when I was a baby and returned me to you on a unicorn, and so you named me after him. There was also a version where Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily had been babysitting me and Uncle Ted, who happened to be visiting them at the time, saved me some ninjas that had broken into the apartment, and so you named me after him. Then there was one memorable version told to me on prom night in which Uncle Ted falls madly in love with a ninja, but waits until he was older to spend the night with her, and so you named me after him."

Marshall frowned over his drink. "Those were cautionary tales on the dangers that ninjas present to society. I think at the age of twenty-four that it's important that you know these things."

Teddy glared at them all judgmentally. "I think that tonight might be a good night for it. The version that does not include any ninjas."

"Now you know the rules," Barney interjected. "You can never actively ask for the naming story. It must be bestowed upon you as a rite of passage. And I don't believe that you have done anything to warrant the bestowing of the story upon you." Teddy flashed her engagement ring at him facetiously, but Barney waved it off. "Nothing important."

"Oh, look at this beautiful bride!" Lily gushed, standing up to give her a hug. "Have you been drinking lots of water today? Because you want to be really hydrated tomorrow so that you don't have to..."

"Already covered, Aunt Lily," Teddy responded, pulling a bottle of water out of her purse.

"Good, because bridesmaids can only hold up your dress so many times before being the bride isn't a good enough excuse for them to do it. And then boy, are you in trouble."

Teddy laughed as she sat down across the booth from Barney and Robin. "Mom actually gave me that tip. She said it worked really for her at her wedding."

Silence settled over the table. Barney and Robin exchanged a significant glance, and Lily glared angrily at the both of them. Ted bit his lip to keep from laughing. Teddy's brow furrowed and she looked through slanted eyes at her parents. "Alright, so what is the real reason that you invited me down to your old bar the night before my wedding?"

Lily, still staring at Barney and Robin, said callously, "Your parents have something that they need to tell you. Something that they should have told you years and years ago, but never did because they were chickens."

Teddy's eyes widened. "What, is one of you guys sick? Is there something wrong?"

Barney sighed, exasperated. "No, no, no, nothing like that," he said, and then groaned. "How important can it be, really? I mean you've gone your whole life without knowing and you turned out just fine. I don't think it's worth bothering you with it on your last night as a single woman."

"Yeah, I mean, it's not going to make that big of difference in your life," Robin added with a shrug.

Lily cleared her throat. "Teddy, why did you pick the Hywet Ballroom for your wedding?"

"Because that's where you guys got married," she responded, beaming at Barney and Robin. "I thought it would be a nice tribute."

Barney and Robin stirred their drinks, staring at the table. Teddy blinked a couple of times. "You did get married at the Hywet Ballroom, right?"

"Not...exactly," Robin responded after a minute of silence.

"Not even close," Lily growled.

Barney sighed. "We may not even be...officially married." Then his brow furrowed, and turned to Robin. "I guess we are now, right, because of the co-habitating thing. Are we common law married, or do we have a civil union? I always get those mixed up."

Robin waved her hands dismissively. "I don't know. I let the tax guy figure that out for me."

Teddy breathed in and out, laying her palms flat on the table. "This might have been a conversation we wanted to have long before the night before my wedding."

"Oh sweetie, we are sorry," said Robin. "It's just...one night when you were little you put on a play wedding dress and pretended that you were getting married to your big stuffed bear, and...it was really sweet. And when you started asking about our wedding we couldn't break your heart and tell you that we had never had one, so we...lied."

Teddy stared at them, slack jawed. "But...you showed me pictures. You gave me advice...you gave me your wedding dress to wear!"

"Yeah, it got kind of...elaborate...over the years," Barney said sheepishly, stealing a look that seemed reminiscent of longing from Robin.

"Oh, my God. My entire upbringing has been a lie," Teddy moaned. "I think I need a drink."

"Now, not quite. Parts of it were true," Barney interjected. "Well...not far off," he added thoughtfully.

"Yeah, the Hywet Ballroom is still...important," Robin added with a shrug, exchanging glances with Barney. He shrugged in way of a vague confirmation.

Marshall's eyes lit up. "Awe, it totally was!" Everyone turned to stare at him quizzically. "It was romantic, Okay? Forgive me if I don't have a heart of stone like these two. And we all know it, I was just saying it."

"Yeah, very effeminately," Barney said with a snort.

"Well, if you didn't get married there, then why is it important?" Teddy asked, eyes wide.

Barney and Robin exchanged glances, then Barney casually slung his arm over the back of the booth, picked up his scotch and, with a swirl, shot her a dashing half smile. "I'm glad you asked," he began confidently. Robin rolled her eyes, and the others exchanged grins.

* * *

"Ok, so I have an organic turkey basting in the oven, homemade stuffing on the stove, cranberry sauce is done, the yams just need some marshmallows on the top, and the pumpkin pies are safe in the refrigerator. Is there anything I'm forgetting?" Lily said urgently, trying to retie her apron with her oven mitts still on.

Robin, rushing behind Lily to grab her apron ties, shook her head. "Only your sanity. God, it's like you shared a jail cell with Martha Stewart."

"Yeah, I guess I went a little overboard," Lily said thoughtfully, surveying the war zone that her kitchen had become. "I was happy that we didn't have to go to St. Cloud this year and eat only mayonnaise for a week, and disappointed that the rampant sex Marshall and I've been having still hasn't knocked me up. Hence, the epic Thanksgiving feast."

Robin quickly finished tying Lily's apron, and took a deep, steadying breath. "Look, Lily, there's..."

"Oh, my God, the gravy!" Lily shouted, running over to the now smoking pan on the oven. "Whew, just in time. Good thing Marshall destroyed the fire alarms, because otherwise they don't turn off when something activates them."

Robin sighed, and wrung her hands together, following Lily to the oven, opening her mouth as if to speak again. Her eyes drifted over to Lily's bag and the large black object jutting out from it, and her mouth dropped open in shock. "Jesus, what is that?" she cried, pointing at the bag.

Lily's eyes went wide and she gasped, tucking the object deeper into her purse and zipping it shut. "That was just, you know, a big candle for tonight..."

"Lily, if that is going on our Thanksgiving table, our friendship will be over," Robin stated sternly, mouth still agape.

"OK, fine. When I told my doctor that Marshall and I still weren't pregnant, she said to try making a baby fun, to spice it up...that way it doesn't become a chore. So I bought something to...make it fun."

"That's a hell of a lot of fun," Robin replied. "I mean...wowza. Marshall might be a little jealous."

Lily snickered. "Believe me, Marshall's got nothing to be jealous of."

Robin held her hand up for a high five, smiling appreciatively. "Nice."

"Hell yeah," Lily said slapping Robin's hand firmly. "So was there something that you wanted to..."

"We're back! With liquor!" Marshall's voice called from the doorway, and Ted, Marshall, and Barney all tumbled inside with various types of alcohol in bags. "We had to walk to the liquor store from here because the roads are packed, but we got wine, we got scotch, we got more microbrews than you could count..."

Barney pushed past the other two men, carrying all three cases of beer. With a groan, he set them down on the table.

"Barney, are you alright?" Lily asked as Barney leaned over a nearby chair for support.

"I'm awesome," he wheezed.

Ted gave him a hearty pat on the back. "We bet him that he couldn't get all the way back here with all of the beer," he explained with a shrug.

"And look who passed with flying colors," Barney gasped at Ted. "Awesomely-in-shape high five!" Ted waited, but Barney continued to lean against the chair. "In like, five minutes," Barney finally said with a groan.

The door opened again, and another woman stepped in. "Whew, is it busy out there!" she said brightly, before stepping over to kiss Ted. "Sorry if I'm late, everyone,"

"You're not late, you start the party," Ted grinned, leaning in for the kiss.

The kiss lasted for thirty seconds longer than it should, and Barney made a buzzer noise. "Alright, Ted, if you and Zoey are going to neck the entire night, just go back to your own apartment. This holiday is about giving thanks for the good things in life, not about monogamy."

"Still waiting on that high five, Barney," Ted said, face still inches away from Zoey's.

"Like I'd give you a high five now," Barney said, sitting up and straightening his suit.

The boys started to place the alcohol in the designated coolers, and Zoey approached Robin and Lily with a small gift bag, ushering them back into the kitchen. "So I got this for Marshall," Zoey said, opening up the gift bag to allow the other two girls to peer in. "To thank him for the free legal advice about the rights for that new historic property we are trying to acquire."

"A Mr. Potato Head Chewbacca?" Robin said incredulously.

"Oh, he'll go crazy over this," Lily said with a smile. "And normally this is the type of stuff I won't let him keep in the house, but...this one is really cute."

"Oh, good," Zoey said, "I wanted to get it pre-approved by you."

"Have him open it before dinner, though. He likes turkey and tends to be semi-conscious after," Lily advised.

"Yeah, he still doesn't know that one Viking's lamp is missing, does he?" Robin asked.

Lily stared at her blankly. "What lamp?" she asked innocently. Zoey laughed with them for a moment before excusing herself to the bathroom.

Robin held Lily back in the kitchen. "Look, Lily, I've got to tell you something, kind of serious."

Lily's brow furrowed with concern. "Are you alright?" Her eyes suddenly widened, and she suddenly pointed at Robin vehemently. "You relapsed with Barney, didn't you," she whispered viciously.

"How did you know that?" Robin hissed.

"Because exactly six weeks ago Barney was being completely awkward at the bar, which he's only done the one other time you and he slept together, and now you have that look of guilt and shock that I've seen on many a woman's face running away from his apartment." Lily shook her head disapprovingly. "How did this happen?"

"I don't know. One minute, we were drinking together at MacLaren's, the next I was pulling him into my room by the tie with my shirt off. He's got ways, Lily! Hypnotizing eyes and moves that I have never seen him pull before. You would have slept with him, too," Robin nearly shouted, throwing her hands up. "But now I'm pretty sure that I'm..."

"BOOYAH!" Ted hailed from the living room, waving the Wii remote around. "In everyone's face!"

"Please, Ted, you bowl like Madeline Albright," Barney scoffed as he took his turn in front of the television.

"How do you know how Madeline Albright bowls?" Ted asked.

"Please, Ted," Barney said, rolling his eyes.

Zoey took that moment to bound back into the kitchen to help with the food, and Lily's interests turned back to turkey and stuffing. She handed a wooden spoon to a dejected and, if anyone had been looking closely enough, terrified-looking Robin and pushed her in front of the gravy.

Marshall then took a turn in the bathroom.

* * *

"Okay, this seems irrelevant. Uncle Marshall?" Teddy called.

Marshall shook his head. "Overruled. Knowing that I was in the bathroom at this point in the story is crucial."

"So far this has nothing to do with the Hywet Ballroom," Teddy observed. "And frankly, it's a little more information than I would like to know."

"Oh, we won't get to the Hywet for a while," Barney said with the wave of his scotch glass. "But trust me, this is all important. Now where was I...oh yeah, Marshall had just gone to the bathroom..."

* * *

"Ted!" Marshall whispered excitedly as he slipped out of the bathroom. He ran over and sat next to Ted on the couch, concealing something in his hand. As Barney continued to play Wii bowling and the girls fussed around the kitchen, Marshall whispered, "You'll never guess what I found in the garbage in my bathroom."

"I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what you found in the garbage in your bathroom," Ted hissed back. Undeterred, Marshall secretively produced the object, which turned out to be a pregnancy test. Ted winced. "Ugh, Marshall, Lily's peed on that."

Marshall rolled his eyes. "Ted. One line for negative, two lines for positive. Look at it. Two lines. Two clear, unambiguous lines."

Ted's eyes widened. "A positive test?" He smiled widely and clapped Marshall on the back, pulling him into a tight hug. "Dude. Congratulations, buddy. This is amazing! You're going to be a dad! And I finally get to be Uncle Ted, the weird, middle aged, single guy that's a car ride away from getting a shack in the woods and starting a radio show about alien abductions. This is awesome!"

Marshall pulled away and clapped Ted on the shoulder. "Well, I mean, I was going to tell him or her about alien abductions anyways, so really you're just helping me out." Marshall then beamed wider than he ever had before. "This is so awesome. I mean, to think that all of that wild, uninhibited sex..."

"What's that, now?" Barney chimed in, but Marshall ignored him.

"...finally lead to this one beautiful moment...Ted, I'm going to be a dad." Marshall choked out. Ted leaned over to give him another friendly hug as Marshall sniffled happily. "But why wouldn't Lily tell me right away?" he asked suddenly, pulling away.

"Maybe she wants to announce it at dinner, and surprise you," Ted said with a shrug.

"Maybe...just seems weird, since she's been taking all of her tests when I'm around so we both know right away," Marshall said thoughtfully. "But it really would be an awesome family dinner announcement." Marshall beamed widely. "A beyond awesome family dinner announcement. Maybe I should call my dad."

"Okay, when you two are done crying about Brad and Jen breaking up, you want to find your testicles and play some Wii tennis against me?" Barney shot at them crassly as he idly swung the Wii remote. "I want to win back my fifty dollars from the Labor Day cook-out."

Marshall stood and gave Barney a bear hug. Barney's brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't feel bad that I lost fifty dollars, Marshall, I just feel...an intense need to win it back." he said uncertainly. Marshall continued to hug him. "But thanks."

A few minutes later the table was set and everyone was sitting down to more turkey, stuffing, and slightly burnt gravy than they all could possibly eat. Marshall kept exchanging excited glances with Lily as they all settled into their chairs before suddenly throwing his hands up. "Oh, come on Lily, you know you have an announcement to make."

Lily cocked her head quizzically. "You mean, you want me to say grace? Because I thought we agreed that since we weren't going to St. Cloud we didn't have to..."

Marshall sighed, exasperated. "No, no, about the other thing. The thing we been trying at for a few months now?" Lily shook her head at him, clueless. Marshall rolled his eyes. "I found that...thing...of yours. The long, rounded..._positive_ thing? That you can pee on? That means big things? Especially for our home life?"

Lily's eyes widened and her mouth opened to a perfect 'O' shape. She exchanged a horrified look with Robin, who bit her lip to keep from snickering. "That's not something we should talk about over Thanksgiving dinner, sweetie," she said sternly.

"It absolutely is! It's going to be great for us! Don't you want to share it with our friends?"

Lily gasped. "Marshall Erikson, I absolutely will not."

"But it's so...big! Come on, Lily. Just tell them."

"Marshall!" Lily hissed. "Okay, let's have a more private conversation." She dragged him into the kitchen and stared him down with crossed arms as he looked at her with almost pure joy. "Why do you feel like you need to suddenly share our private sex life with our closest friends? It's not like this baby thing isn't making sex the most prominent thing in our lives - let's go tell everyone we know that I bought a big, vein-y dildo. And you know what, let's offer to share it with our friends! Because that's what friends do."

"A dildo? That's...that's not what I'm talking about at all! I would never tell everyone about that kind of stuff. Unless it's to outdo Barney, which we agreed is the exception to that rule." He pulled out the pregnancy test that he had been carrying in his pocket. "I'm talking about this. We're finally pregnant!" Lily stared at the test with a look of shock. "Well...aren't we?" he asked pleadingly.

"Marshall...sweetie...this isn't my test," Lily said slowly. "This isn't the brand that I've been buying." Marshall's face fell instantly, and his head dropped between his shoulders as he sighed deeply. Lily smoothed her hands over his shoulders in sympathy while also staring at object in his hands. "I'm so sorry, baby. I would have been excited, too."

"I just thought you were going to surprise me with the news," Marshall said sadly. "We've been at this for four months, and I just, I don't know...I was really looking for it to be good news."

"I know, sweetie. But that's why I love you. Because this is hard, and you always manage to keep finding the bright side. I sure wouldn't have made it this far without you." Lily gave him a soft smile, and kissed him softly. "But I promise you, this isn't mine. Which means..."

Marshall looked up at Lily, realization dawning on his face. "It's someone else's."

Lily's eyes widened and her hand flew over her mouth. "Oh my God...I am the worst friend ever!" Her hand moved over her heart as she breathed deeply. "I should be hog tied and keel hauled, I should be shot, I should be..."

"Whoa, baby calm down," Marshall said softly, then his eyes lit up. "Hey, didn't Zoey go to the bathroom right after she got here? Oh my God." he said with a gasp, shaking Lily's shoulders. "_Ted_," he hissed as he ran into the dining room awkwardly.

"No, Marshall, wait, it's not..."

But Marshall was already kneeling beside Ted at the dinner table. "So that thing that we found...it's not Lily's," he whispered, looking pointedly at Zoey.

Ted gasped at Zoey, who was picking at her stuffing anxiously. "You're pregnant?" he shouted incredulously.

Zoey laughed heartily. "Ted, that's absurd and you know it. I just had my period last week! And you wouldn't have sex with me the week before because of that... thing that I told you about me."

"Oh, this is getting good," Barney said with a sinister smile. Robin looked over at him, lips pursed in panic.

"Look, I don't care...that much...that you have a thing for well muscled, hairless men on Hercules the Legendary Journeys, but I do care about this. You should have told me about this, not left it as something it for Marshall to find and whisper to me about at dinner!"

"Ted, stop," Lily shouted, eyes glancing quickly over at Robin.

Zoey opened her mouth as if to speak, then shut it, shaking her head. "Oh, are you talking about..." she said finally, and held Marshall's gift open for Ted's inspection. "I don't see what a Mr. Potato Head Chewbacca has to do with me being pregnant, or how Marshall found out about it, or why you would be upset that Marshall would tell you about it, or _what it has to do with me being pregnant_, but if you want one I can get one for you too..."

Marshall took the gift and opened it quickly. "Awesome!" he said with a half smile.

Ted sighed and grabbed the pregnancy test out of his hand to display it to her. "I'm talking about this. Not about any Mr. Potato Head Chewbacca. Although, that is pretty..."

Zoey interrupted him. "That test isn't mine, Ted. I promise you."

"Oh, Jesus Christ, it's mine," Robin shouted. Five pairs of eyes turned to look at her in shock, and she pursed her lips, slamming her fork down angrily. "Yep, my job is being taken over by the devil spawn sunshine queen, the only man I've ever let into my life left me for my dream job, and now I'm pregnant, which, by the way, is utterly terrifying, and the father is the only person on this earth who hates commitment more than me." She sat back in her chair with a heavy, anxious sigh. "I don't think I have to tell you how much I am not loving my life."

Barney stared at her. His eye twitched. And with the flip of his suit, he ran haphazardly to the bathroom.

* * *

"Alright, so let's recap," Teddy said as the cocktail waitress placed two glasses of scotch in front of her. "You're not married. I was the product of drunken relapse sex..."

"Conceived in this very establishment," Barney supplemented. "Or maybe upstairs in your mother and Uncle Ted's apartment later on that night." He held his hand up for Robin, who, after a moment's hesitation, slapped it soundly.

Teddy, who was used to this kind of crass behavior, continued, swirling her drink, "...when Mom found out she was pregnant, she put it on the list of terrible things that happened to her that year, and when Mom announced that she was pregnant, you ran and locked yourself in the bathroom." Teddy took a long swig of her drink. "No, you're right. This isn't far off, at all."


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer_: Not Mine

_Author's Note_: Thank you again to Sheilalein, my immaculate beta. There are no words to describe how awesome she is. And thank you so much to everyone for the nice reviews! Anyone who writes here knows that reviews make an author's day, so I really wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to leave a note. Happy Thanksgiving!

* * *

**Elaborate Lies, Chapter 2**

"You have to understand, though," Lily began supportively, touching Teddy's hand. "These two were terrified of committing to anything."

"Yeah," Ted interjected. "Once, when Robin and I were dating, I bought some food to stock her refrigerator because we had cooked dinner together the night before and I felt bad that she didn't have anything to eat. She didn't speak to me for three days."

"Now that's unfair," Robin shot back, pointing her finger. "You were the one who told me that he loved me on the first date. Then you wanted to start leaving your things at my apartment? It was way too much, way too fast."

"I gave you food. Not an engagement ring."

"Then it was clothes. Then there was that time that we thought it was a good idea to move in together...it was just one thing after another. And it all started with your _food_."

"Hey, it's not my fault you didn't know how to make space for me in your life..."

"See why that didn't work out?" Barney said to Teddy, who was now sipping down her second drink. "Ted is what is commonly known as a U-Haul lesbian."

"And you were the type of guy that hid in the bathroom. It all makes sense now," Teddy responded, tipping her glass back again.

"Alright, alright," Lily interjected. "We've all been successfully married...or not-married...for decades now, no use in bringing up Robin's old commitment issues or Ted's girly ways. On with the story."

"Ah, yes," Barney began, majestically, "So, I was hunkering down in the bathroom..."

* * *

"I might go home," Zoey whispered hoarsely to Ted.

Thanksgiving dinner was completely forgotten. Lily was hugging Robin as she sat sadly on the couch, and Marshall was trying to talk through the bathroom door at Barney, who didn't seem to be responding. "That might not be a bad idea. Take food with you, though."

"Do you know where Lily keeps the Tupperware?" Zoey asked.

Ted stared blankly, and then stole a glance over at Lily and Robin still sitting together on the couch. "Not at all. You'd better just wrap it up in napkins."

As Ted helped her scoop up what she wanted from the dinner table, he scowled. "I feel bad, though. It's Thanksgiving. You shouldn't be alone."

"Believe me, it looks like you are needed here. I'm more than fine by myself for tonight." She smiled up at him, her hands full of stuffing. "And, if you get this settled, maybe you can booty call me."

Ted gave her a porny grin and raised his eyebrows suggestively. "And I would get to see your candied yams? Best Thanksgiving ever."

"It's gets better," Zoey said, her voice dropping seductively low. "I'll let you stuff my turkey."

Ted grinned back, and leaned in for a kiss. After a minute, they were interrupted by Lily clearing her throat loudly and gesturing to Robin, who was scowling angrily at the two of them. "I'll see you later," Zoey whispered, and, after stealing one more kiss, ran out the door.

Robin took a deep breath. "This is just perfect. Barney _would_ lock himself in a bathroom after this."

"Sweetie, I have kindergartners with a more developed emotional intelligence than him. You should consider this a mild reaction," Lily began soothingly. "He has no idea how to handle this. This is kind of big news, and he needs to process it."

"You know, I'm kind of worried," Marshall called from the hallway. "He's not answering me. Should I check on him?"

"As long as you are prepared for what you might see him doing in there," Lily warned.

There was a shuffle of Marshall taking the spare bathroom key from the top of the doorframe and opening the lock, then the squeak of the door. Then silence.

"Guys, he's gone," Marshall finally called out.

Lily and Robin exchanged glances. Robin's head dropped into her hands, and Lily called out to Marshall. "How can he be gone? We live on the fourth floor!"

* * *

"How did you jump out of Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's bathroom window without killing yourself?" Teddy asked, eyes wide.

"Hehe," Barney chuckled.

The others laughed with him for a moment. "But seriously," Marshall said sternly, his face dropping any semblance of emotion, "How did you do it?"

"Hehe. Please."

* * *

"I don't know, but he's not in here," Marshall said, shock painted over his face. "This is bad."

"We have to find him," Ted said. "I can't even begin to imagine where he would go or what he would do at a time like this."

"Probably to pick up another girl that he can knock up," Robin sniffed angrily.

Lily patted her back, and turned to the boys. "Okay, you guys go find Barney and I will stay here with Robin. If I don't hear back from you by two in the morning, we will come to find you. Okay?"

"Should we like, synchronize our watches or something?" Marshall asked.

"Sweetie, it's not James Bond," Lily reprimanded. "But knowing Barney, some sexy ladies and eccentric villains are not out of the question." Robin groaned angrily as she threw her shoe soundly against the wall, and Lily cursed to herself softly.

"We'll find him," said Ted, pulling Marshall with him out the door.

"Keep me posted!" Lily shouted after them.

* * *

"Alright, so if I were a commitment-phobic pervert who just found out that I am going to be a father with one of my best friends, where would I go?" Ted asked himself rhetorically as he and Marshall walked out of the apartment.

Marshall hung up his phone and sighed. "He's not picking up. Ted, we're never going to find him. He could be anywhere in the city right now." They both took a seat on the stoop as a black limousine pulled up to the curb a few feet away from the apartment entrance.

"Well, we can start with places we know...his apartment, the bar, the Lusty Leopard..." Ted listed, sighing heavily.

The driver's door of the black limo opened, and Ted and Marshall were greeted with a familiar "Hallo!"

"Ranjit!" Marshall called. "What are you doing here?"

"Have you happened to see Barney around anywhere?" Ted asked.

Ranjit walked around to open the passenger door of the car and gestured. "If you will please sit in the limo, I will take you to Mr. Barney Stinson."

Marshall and Ted exchanged confused glances before clamoring into the back of the limo, only to find Barney, seated next to an ice bucket full of champagne and two blond girls of questionable morals who had clearly forgotten their underwear. Barney beamed. "Boys! So glad you could join us. Are you ready for the most awesome night ever to be embarked upon by mortal man?"

"Barney," Ted began slowly. "Maybe we should just go back upstairs. This doesn't really seem to be the time for an awesome night on the town..."

"Ranjit, drive us to the Lusty Leopard!" Barney called out.

"Driving you to the Lusty Leopard!" Ranjit confirmed, and the limo pulled away into the street.

"Okay, we can't really go there..." Ted began, but Marshall elbowed him.

"Look, Ted, Barney's wigging. I don't think he can physically deal with this right now," Marshall whispered. "If you were a commitment-phobic pervert who just found out that you were going to be a father with one of your best friends, wouldn't you be, I don't know, in a bad place? I say we humor him for at most four hours before reeling him back in."

Ted squinted at Barney, who was pulling his moves on the blond to his right. "Three hours. If we're having fun. Otherwise, two hours."

Marshall nodded. "I'll text Lily."

* * *

Lily flipped open her phone, read Marshall's message, and quickly snapped it shut. Breathing heavily, Robin looked at her quizzically. "Where are they?"

"Oh, Ted and Marshall still are on the hunt!" Lily said with a false pep. "Do you want some butterscotch? I think we still have some from when you were staying here..."

Robin pursed her lips before going for a desperate grab at Lily's phone. After two minutes of struggling, Robin held up the phone victoriously, and read the message with horror. "They're doing _what_?" she shouted angrily. "This is a huge deal. How can Barney just...not deal with this?"

"Barney's just not ready to face the issue head on right..." Lily began, but Robin stood up quickly, effectively cutting her off.

"If _Barney_ doesn't have to deal with this, than I don't, either," Robin exclaimed.

Lily's brow furrowed. "Now, sweetie, I don't think that's any more healthy than..."

"We are going to do something more _awesome_ and fun than Barney Stinson could ever dream of," Robin said, gesticulating wildly. She turned to Lily. "Do you still have those dresses that we wore to that high school prom?"

"That depends on what we're doing with them..." Lily said slowly.

"And those fishnet stockings you bought for Marshall's birthday?"

"Robin, _no_..."

"What about those leopard print leather boots?"

"This is the opposite of a good idea..."

"Lily, I never thought I would say this, but...suit up. We're going out." Robin paused to put her hand over her mouth and gagged. "Right after I throw up."

* * *

"God, Thanksgiving mashed potatoes are just not the same without strippers around," Barney observed, digging into his dinner as they sat at the foot of the stage. "I mean, come on...I eat a bite of potato, I shove a hundred dollar bill down some nubile girl's thong...it's a holiday tradition!"

Ted and Marshall, who had opted not to eat at the buffet, turned to look at Barney. "Gee Barney," Marshall began, "I would enjoy it too, but I can't help but think that these girls are _mothers_..."

"Who have _children_," Ted added.

"...that they probably would like to be _talking_ to on Thanksgiving," Marshall finished.

Barney looked up at them, surprised. "Were you guys talking to me? I missed all of that...Charisma was doing that thing with the bullwhip."

Marshall and Ted sighed and sat back in their chairs. "We've only been gone an hour?" Ted hissed to Marshall. Marshall nodded solemnly. "Then I'm going for some rolls," Ted said, standing to slip by the woman who had begun to give Barney and extremely enthusiastic lap dance and heading to the buffet.

* * *

"They _have_ to let us in," Robin exclaimed happily as she walked to the front of the line at the nightclub. "We look amazing right now."

"We sure do," Lily agreed half-heartedly, covering her ears to shield herself from the loud music. "But it is _really_ cold out tonight, so maybe we should just head home. What do ya say?"

"I say I'll be warmer when I'm up against some young stud!" Robin called out. "Am I right?" she called to the line, to which the boys within earshot responded with a series of whoops and hollers.

Reaching the front of the line, the bouncer opened the door for them without hesitation. "You two ladies don't cause trouble, now!" he called after him.

"Don't worry, we will!" Robin called back. She quickly bounced by some people who were loitering around the entrance to get to the coat check.

"Robin," Lily said sternly. She grabbed Robin by the shoulders and turned her so they were looking straight into each other's eyes. "If you think you need to do this, I'm always here for you. But there is a better way to deal with this."

"Lily...I don't want to deal with it right now," Robin said seriously, head bowing and fists balling. "I just...I can't. What I really want to do is dance. Can't we please just do that for tonight?"

Lily gave her a soft smile. "Yes, we can do that. But only until two. Then we will probably have to go bail the boys out of prison."

Robin smiled. "Wooo!" she crowed, and dove into the club. Lily fought to follow her amidst the flashing lights, the pounding music, and, for it being a holiday, the astounding amount of people, until she found herself and Robin both seated at the bar.

"Johnny Walker Blue, neat, please," Robin ordered perkily. Lily pursed her lips in disapproval. When the drink came, Lily pulled it out of Robin's hands and began sucking it down.

Robin growled and dropped her head into her hands. "And now I can't drink alcohol for nine months. I mean, really, is there any way that this could possibly get any worse? What next, pregnant women can't shoot guns?"

"Well, I mean, it's not a really good idea, because the noise..." Lily began.

"Seriously?" Robin spat vehemently, interrupting her.

With a sigh, Lily waved over the bar tender, and sat down her drink. "Can we have two virgin mojitos, please?" Both the bartender and Robin gave her quizzical looks, but she shrugged. "I swear you can't taste the difference. I've been having a lot of them since Marshall and I started trying to, you know…" she trailed off suddenly.

"Oh Lily," Robin exclaimed, and leaned over to give her friend a hug. "I'm so sorry. This must make you feel terrible."

Lily shrugged. "Am I jealous that it only took you one night of unprotected sex to get knocked up? Absolutely. But you know what, Marshall and I have only been trying for four months. We aren't even supposed to start thinking about getting fertility testing until after a year. So yeah, it sucks, big time, to see it come so easy for you, but...maybe it's just not our time yet." She grinned thoughtfully. "I think Marshall has worn off on me a little with this positive thinking stuff."

Robin gave her a small smile. "Well, if there was any way I could give this thing to you, I would in a heartbeat."

Lily laughed. "No, you can keep your Stinson spawn. I'll settle for an Erikson baby when it's good and ready to show itself." She pulled Robin out of her seat. "Now let's dance, you filthy Woo girl prostitute!"

* * *

"Barney, we can't get in," Ted groaned for the umpteenth time.

Barney circled the entrance to the Statue of Liberty, hand on his chin, considering. "This poses a problem...but only to some."

"No, Barney," Marshall cut in. "The sign does not say 'No admittance without a Monument Pass _only to some_.' Now come on, we have to get that boat you stole back before the owners notice that it's gone. Or we will go to jail."

"Come on you guys! Where's your sense of adventure? What about the time we _licked_ the Liberty Bell, eh? Let's relive that moment!"

"Time?" Ted deadpanned to Marshall.

"Exactly three hours after we left Dowisetrepla," Marshall responded coldly.

"Barney, you got Robin pregnant," Ted shouted. "We have to go back, because you have to deal with this."

Barney continued to look at the monument. "If we could just shim that door just a _little_ bit..."

"BARNEY!" Ted cried at the top of his lungs. "Snap out of it! Have you heard anything I've said?"

"I got this," Marshall said, stepping forward towards Barney. Spinning Barney towards him, Marshall slapped him across the face with enough force to send him staggering backwards, crumpling him over a nearby post box. "That's five," Marshall stated simply.

Barney moaned for a moment, cradling the side of his face with his hand. "YES I HAVE!" he finally yelled back at Ted. A silence settled over the three men as Barney turned to face Marshall and Ted, his face finally assuming some kind of vague human quality. "Yes I have. And going back is the last thing in the world that I want to do right now. Have you thought of that?"

Marshall sighed. "We did. That's why we're out here on Staten Island with a stolen boat, Ranjit, and three strippers trying to figure out how to break into the Statue of Liberty with you."

Barney sat down on the steps and buried his head in his hands. Marshall and Ted sat down on each side of him, patting his back. "I just don't know how this even could have happened," Barney moaned finally. "I always "suit up" when I suit down. In fact, I used _your _condoms Ted. Using a lesbian's condoms alone should ensure their impenetrability."

Ted frowned. "You couldn't have used mine. I always carry mine with me."

"Uh, you had some," Barney snipped. "In your sock drawer, next to the bridal magazines."

Ted groaned and laughed pretentiously. "You used my favorite condoms? Man. I got those when I was with Karen...and they were a hit, if you know what I mean. I've been waiting for just the right girl to whip them out again."

Marshall and Barney stared at Ted, mouths agape. "Ted, you started dating Karen in high school," Marshall stated. "Those condoms are long gone, dude."

Ted snorted. "Condoms don't _expire_."

* * *

Teddy spat her drink out. Her hand whipped up to her mouth to stifle her cry.

"I know. I forgive him now, obviously," Barney said, patting her hand.

"Please," she began, breathing heavily. "Please tell me this is not the reason why I am named after Uncle Ted."

All heads turned to Robin, who suddenly had taken a great interest in her drink. "No...not entirely, anyway..."

* * *

At exactly two, Marshall answered the phone to hear Lily's voice on the other end of the line just over the baseline of the music in the club.

"Baby, where are you?" he shouted.

"Outside of a nightclub wearing too short of a skirt for this weather!" she called back.

"Nice," Marshall said with a grin.

"Thanks, sweetie! Where are you?"

"In the hospital," Marshall said simply, adjusting himself in the small waiting room seat.

"Oh my God! What happened?"

"Barney said that he used Ted's condoms that night, and apparently Ted has been keeping them around since high school."

"Yeah, Ted doesn't think condoms expire," Lily said simply. Then she gasped. "Oh..."

"So… Barney punched Ted, and Ted punched Barney, and then Ted tried to run away backwards, but tripped over a manhole and hit his head, and Barney then tripped over him, and fell really hard on his collarbone. So...here we are. And except for, you know, being idiots, the doctors say they'll be okay."

"Jeez. Are you alright? Are you all by yourself?"

"Yes I'm fine, and Ranjit is here with me."

"Hallo, Lily!" Ranjit called from his seat under the emergency room television.

"Well, you might not believe it, but you're doing better than I am," Lily breathed, shivering.

Marshall frowned. "Why is that?"

Lily squeaked nervously. "Because I may have...lost Robin."

"LOST ROBIN?"

"Well, not lost...I know where she is. She wanted to go out, so I said yes, and so we came to this club and we were dancing together, and then suddenly this giant man was dancing with her, and after about three minutes they left together, so I followed them out the door and they disappeared into this apartment complex across the street, and now she's not picking up her phone and I'm stuck outside waiting for her to finish getting her freak on because there is no way there is no way I'm leaving her alone overnight with a lumberjack."

Marshall growled. "Damn us and our permissive tendencies! We treated Robin and Barney like Chamberlain treated Hitler, when we should have treated them like FDR treated Hitler!"

"Sweetie, I teach kindergarten. I color turkeys and pilgrims at Thanksgiving, and that's all I know about history."

"We should have forced them to deal with their issues! That way you wouldn't be sitting outside a strange apartment building in a tiny skirt, waiting for Robin to be done having sex, and I would not be sitting in a waiting room with tiny tiny chairs, dodging when the police walk by."

"Why are you dodging..."

"Don't ask, baby."

* * *

Robin, grinning, followed Burly Mike up the stairs as he grasped at her hand. He got to his door and smirked at her, digging around in his jacket for something. "Here," he said finally, producing a greasy business card, "I already know this is going to be out of this world, and I'm totally up for seconds."

Robin smiled politely. "Why don't we just...not do that, okay? I'm kind of looking for a one night only thing."

Burly Mike grinned. "I'm always down for one night things," he grunted.

"I figured you would be."

Burly Mike finally got the door open, and ambled inside. Robin found herself standing just outside the door, pursing her lips.

"You coming, doll-face?" Burly Mike called. "I've got some dirty games I've been waitin' to try out." He walked back to the door, two open beers in hand.

Robin breathed evenly. She peered about his unkempt apartment, and shook her head. "You know what, Mike, I actually just found out that I'm pregnant," she said suddenly.

Burly Mike did a double take. "Hell, that don't bother me none," he said finally, swinging the beers around, "Congrats...I guess. You don't have to drink this, then, if you don't wanna."

Robin smiled at him softly. "No, you know what, I think I'm just going to...Goodbye, Mike." And with that, Robin turned to leave, turning a deaf ear to the insults Burly Mike hurled at her about being a cock-tease and rushing back into the cold to find Lily.

* * *

Sprawled out on his hospital bed, Barney grunted as he attempted to pull his suit jacket over the sling that was currently holding his arm. On the third try he growled in anger and gave up, instead taking a long sip of his boxed apple juice and slurping obnoxiously when the box was empty.

There was a knock at the door, and when he looked up, Robin was standing in the doorway, arms crossed, peering in at him nervously. Barney sighed heavily and leaned back into his pillow as Robin sauntered into the room casually. "Heard you tripped over Ted after you punched him out for not believing that condoms expire," she said softly.

"Heard you got sexed up and landed a lumberjack," Barney responded. "And you pulled out the prom dress, so who could blame him," he added, looking her up and down appreciatively.

Robin smiled at him softly, and sat down at the edge of his bed. "So I guess we should talk," she stated hesitantly.

"Yeah," Barney responded.

Neither spoke for a good five minutes before Robin gave an exasperated sigh. "You know, this is not at all what I wanted, either."

"You're preaching to the founder of 'Not a Father's Day'. To say this is not what I want is an understatement," Barney replied testily.

"And babies are terrifying!" Robin said, her voice brimming on panic. "To think that there's another human being relying solely on me to keep them alive? I couldn't even keep my dogs happy in my apartment."

"And the projectile vomiting? And the explosive diarrhea? And the burping? How do babies have so many incontinence issues?" Barney added, taking the same edgy tone.

"And the soft spot? Being able to croak your child by brushing their hair too hard?"

"And the incessant crying? And the sleeplessness? For everyone involved?"

"Never being able to go out with our friends whenever we want to ever again."

"Never getting _laid_ ever again."

"Saying goodbye to my career."

"Saying goodbye to all night three ways."

Both of them paused, and looked down into their laps, sighing sadly. "So…it sucks," Robin began softly. "But it would suck more if I thought that I would lose you as a friend over this. You running away like that just…I know you were freaking out. I know that, because I was, too. But this is kind of a big deal and…I need you. As a friend." She took a breath. "So I guess what I'm asking is…will you still be, I don't know…my _bro_?"

Barney looked up at her, his eyes softening. "Robin, I...I'm sorry, but I don't want to be a father. I'm just not excited about it, or looking forward to it. And I don't think that makes me a bad person, I think it just...makes me honest." Robin bit her lip and nodded sadly. "But hey. Leave no man behind, right?" Barney added with a small grin, and reached over to touch her hand. "I'll help. With whatever. Because that's what bros do when they knock up other bros."

Robin smiled and brushed away a tear that had been threatening to fall down her face. "Does it say that in the Bro Code?"

Barney shrugged. "Not verbatim, but I'm thinking of making an official addendum. No eye contact during a Devil's Three-Way, and no leaving of bros to fend for themselves once you've put a bun in their oven."

Robin smiled again, and squeezed Barney's hand. "You're not such a bad guy, Barney Stinson."

"Please. As if you didn't know that already?" When Robin began to swipe at more tears before they fell down her face, he pulled her in closer to give her a hug. "Just don't tell the kid he's Canadian," he murmured into her hair, and Robin snickered through her tears.

* * *

"Hey, we definitely _got_ excited about it," Robin said softly with a smile, covering Teddy's hand as the younger woman tried not to sniffle.

"Oh, yeah!" Barney affirmed, walking over to kneel next to Teddy and pat her back. "I mean, look at you. Who could not be excited about having you as a daughter?"

Teddy sniffed again. "I think that I redefined the term 'mistake'." With that, all five friends cooed and reached over to comfort her.

"Look, let's play a game," Barney said, scooting in next to Teddy and forcing Ted off the other end of the bench, allowing him to walk around and take Barney's old spot next to Robin. "It's called, 'Count the number of men that are staring at my daughter right now.' I spot three just with my peripherals."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Yes, because let's re-affirm Teddy's self worth by counting how many men find her attractive."

Barney waved her off. "Oh, come on, you know I'm kidding. This girl went to Columbia and got a degree in chemical engineering, and at the age of twenty-four has a job, a house, and is getting married tomorrow," He took a swig of his drink. "_And_ she's a looker. Who could be more proud?"

Ted reached over to hold both of Teddy's hands in his. "Look, the day you were born, I proposed to my wife, your mom got three new job offers, and Marshall finally got a lead on getting out of GNB and into environmental work," he said. "It was a pretty kick-ass day. But you, my perfect niece, you took the cake."

"You were absolutely perfect," Robin said seriously in agreement. "At first you looked like a phlegm covered alien, but after they cleaned you up, you were perfect."

Teddy smiled at everyone and sniffed one more time, mopping up her face with her napkin. Her brow furrowed. "Wait, how in the world am I so well balanced?"


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: _As always, a shout out to Sheilalein, the best beta of all time, who not only can proof a story well but can also deal with my neuroses. And a big thank you to everyone that reviewed: you are wonderful, wonderful people.

* * *

**Elaborate Lies, Chapter 3**

"So tell me about _romance_," Teddy drawled, now slightly tipsy. "We keep talking about how _melodramatic_ everyone got when Mom got pregnant with me. When does it get mushy?"

Barney and Robin laughed heartily. "It never gets _mushy_," Barney chuckled. "We don't do _mushy_."

"Yeah, jeez, it's like she doesn't even know us," Robin added between laughs. "Gooey couple stuff just really isn't our game."

"But didn't you have that moment?" Teddy asked earnestly. "You know, where the couple meets in some New Year's party or boat headed off to Paris and one declares to the other that they can't live without them and they finally admit their undying affection to one another, while a sweeping orchestral piece sets the scene for happily ever after?"

Barney looked at her in disgust. "What kind of garbage are people letting their children watch these days? _I _certainly never let you watch that kind of stuff growing up. In our house, we had morals. Star Wars, the Alien series, and Jaws were the only videos allowed in our living room."

"Oh, come on, you guys," Marshall goaded. "I think you had a moment like that."

"As if," Robin guffawed. "What, and then we got married some spring day in a white church with a twelve person bridal party where my father gave me away in a fit of tears? Get over yourself, Marshall."

"I think he means that you should tell me _what happened at Hywet Hall_," Teddy explained slowly.

"Oh, Marshall, come on, that wasn't..." Barney suddenly exchanged looks with Robin, uncertain. "Was it?"

"I think it was," Marshall smirked. "You had That Moment."

Lily grinned. "Oh yeah. You definitely had That Moment."

"That type of Moment that they write Lifetime movies about," Ted added with a smirk of his own. "What would they call that movie?"

"The Pervert and the Tramp," Marshall threw out.

"Low Fidelity," Lily said.

"Liar, Liar," Teddy hiccoughed. "Whoops, that one already exists."

"Oh, psh. Let's let Teddy decide if it was That Moment or not," Barney said. "Which is too bad for her, because we aren't at the part with Hywet Hall, yet."

"Can't you just...skip?" Teddy asked.

"No, my dear girl. And you should never under estimate the power of a well-plotted story. Or that of a superb story teller." Barney boasted.

"And there's kissing in this part, so there's something to look forward to!" Lily said brightly. Teddy rolled her eyes and ordered a beer from the waitress.

* * *

"And how are you feeling?" Ted asked Robin earnestly as she sat down across from him in the booth.

Robin rolled her eyes. "I'm four months pregnant, Ted. I'm not dying of the black lung," she sniped as she plopped her paper and her water bottle down at the table and scooted across the seat carefully.

"Hey, I'm just trying to...anticipate your every need," Ted said with a smile. "Make you as comfortable as you possibly can be."

"Well, right now your hovering is making me really uncomfortable," Robin shot without looking up from her paper. "So stop."

Barney walked into the bar at this moment, grinning slyly at Robin. He sat down at the booth and handed her a piece of paper. "Look at what I brought you, Robin!" he said with a practiced enthusiasm.

Robin looked at him skeptically, and took the sheet from him. "Aww," she said with a grin. "An award for the Battleship Champion of the Universe. Thanks, Barney."

"Yeah, savor it now," he said, taking it out of her hands. "Because it's about to go up IN FLAMES!" he exclaimed, throwing it up in the air and shooting a spark at it.

Robin stared as the paper burned and fell down to the table. "Don't be such a poor loser! I won fair and square."

"You cheated," Barney growled.

"So did you!"

"Then CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Next weekend, my place, Rambo marathon, and I get to chose the snacks," Barney shouted.

"We can play again, but you're still going down," Robin shot back.

"It's official!" Lily and Marshall squealed in unison as they ran up to the booth, interrupting Robin and Barney's argument. "We are definitely pregnant!" Lily said with a wide smile, brandishing the sheets of literature and paperwork.

Barney, Ted, and Robin chorused a series of congratulations, and Marshall ordered both champagne and sparkling cider for a toast.

"So when did it happen, guys?" Barney asked with a smirk. "Doctors usually know these things. Was it the time we all got drunk and watched Robin's show in the morning, or the time I caught you guys doing it in the back of Ted's car?"

Ted looked at Marshall, mouth agape. "Seriously, dude?"

Lily and Marshall exchanged glances with barely contained grins. "Ted's car," Lily finally said.

Ted shrugged. "Then I guess it's alright."

Lily grinned at Robin. "So my doctor just gave me a list of things to do to stay active during your pregnancy. There are some great exercise classes we can look at, or there's a walking group, or there's even a Mommies To Be Jazzercise studio we could join!"

Robin snorted. "Wait a few months, and see if you want to jazzercise then."

"Oh, look who's getting bigger!" Marshall cooed, and dropped his hand to touch Robin's belly, which was beginning to show a bulge.

Robin shooed him away violently by slapping his arms with her paper. "How many times do we have to have this conversation, Marshall? I am not the Buddha. It is not lucky for you to rub my stomach every time you walk past me."

"Jeez, look who's cranky today," Marshall scoffed as he began to pour the bottles that Wendy the Waitress had dropped off at their table.

Robin sighed. "Look, I'm sorry you guys, just...work kind of sucked today. I had to tell my boss that I'm pregnant."

Barney's eyebrows furrowed. "Did he say something to you about it?"

"No, that part went well. It was the part where Becky found out about it that didn't go well," Robin said with a sigh. "She's already planning my baby shower, and keeps texting me to find out if I like storks or rabbits better as a theme. And I had to physically restrain her from announcing it on the air. I swear, I have worked really hard not to shoot her, but this might be her week."

"Well," Lily drawled. "I personally would prefer rabbits. Just in case, you know, you needed to know."

Ted shook his head at her. "Isn't there anything about impending motherhood or being pregnant that you like?"

"Why, are you jealous?" Robin smirked.

"No, I'm serious. You've done nothing but complain and yell at anyone who asks you how it's going. Is there anything about that baby that just...takes your breath away?"

Robin looked around to find everyone staring at her. "I mean, not really," she began. "I just got over feeling nauseated all of the time, and I need to start buying stretch jeans." The others continued to stare. "It moves sometimes," Robin added with a shrug. "I guess that...feels different."

The table erupted with more cooes and Marshall rushed over to put his hands on Robin's belly again, to which she violently shooed him off.

"Hey, you never told me that it started moving," Barney said plaintively, almost looking hurt.

Robin turned to face him, her face betraying a momentary look of guilt. "It just started happening a few days ago," she said with a shrug. "Is that the kind of thing I'm supposed to tell you?"

"YES," Marshall shouted. "Then you get to share this really tender moment where you get to feel your baby move for the very first time." He looked over at Lily and the two began to giggle and kiss deeply.

Barney looked at them with disgust. "Excuse me, I have to go re-attach my testicles," he said quickly, and, with a swig of scotch, rose to leave for the bathroom.

* * *

"Ted! Ted, wake up," a voice hissed.

Ted bolted upright only to find Barney, fully dressed, hovering over his bed. He groaned angrily and rubbed at his eyes. "There is no reason good enough to get me out of bed at," he glanced at the clock, "five in the morning on a Saturday. Also, what happened to that girl you were chatting up in the bar? And what are you doing _here_ in my apartment?"

"There's no time for questions, Ted. Believe me, this is good enough to wake you up for. Oh, and she was a Mormon missionary."

"Jeez, how many Mormon missionaries have you met this month?" Ted growled to himself as he pulled himself out of bed and plopped down on the couch next to Barney, whose unreasonably alert eyes were glued to the TV. Ted groaned. "What am I watching, Barney?"

"We have to wait, it'll come back on again," Barney said without looking away from the television. Three minutes and two short naps later, Barney began to slap Ted's knee excitedly.

It was a commercial for Robin's morning show. "Does your day need some pep from up North?" Becky was singing through her wide smile. "Then make sure you tune in with us tomorrow for our special show featuring three very special guests, one of which is our very own Robin Scherbatsky! Or should I say...Robin Sparkles? Make sure you tune into "Get up, New York" tomorrow morning for more!"

Barney had continued slapping Ted's leg throughout the entire commercial and Ted finally moved his numbing limb out of Barney's reach. "Is she serious?" Ted asked. "She's going to be interviewed as Robin Sparkles?"

"It's better than I possibly could have dreamed," Barney nearly squealed. "Do you think they'll show the videos? Do you think they'll show _additional_ videos?"

Ted shook his head. "But that kind of sucks for her, Barney. She was totally embarrassed by that - I don't think she would do this because she wanted to." He groaned, remembering the bar. "That's why she was in such a bad mood earlier today."

Barney blinked at him. "Oh. Shoot," he said, uncertainly.

The door cracked open, and Robin entered with a grand sigh, dropping her stuff to the floor. She rolled her eyes when she saw them. "I take it you guys saw the commercial?"

"Yeah, Robin, why are you doing this? You can't have volunteered for it," Barney asked. Ted shot him an incredulous look before turning back to Robin.

She plopped down on the couch, throwing one hand casually over her belly. "The producers wanted us to put something competitive up for sweeps, and after some research they found out...who I used to be. So they invited the Crash Test Dummies to be on the show, and they wanted to interview me at the same time, so it would be, and I quote, 'Canadian themed with a local flavor'."

"Robin, come on. You don't have to do this if you don't want to," Ted said supportively.

"I know. And I really didn't want to, but...OK, this is going to sound stupid, but this is kind of my chance to get out from under Becky's supernova, you know? The one chance that my viewers will get to see just me. And yeah, it's super embarrassing, and I probably will never live it down, but...at least I'm not the sidekick to a girl who appears to routinely overdose on caffeine."

"You know that's not true," Barney said softly reaching out to touch her shoulder. "You're the lead anchor! If anything, she's _your_ overly peppy sidekick. You're like Xena, and she's Gabrielle...without all of the lesbian undertones." He paused thoughtfully. "Actually, lesbian undertones might be an improvement"

Robin gave him a tired smile. "Thanks, guys. And looking on the bright side, at least I get to meet the Crash Test Dummies, right?" Ted and Barney both looked at her quizzically, and she sighed. "Okay, I'm going to bed."

As she slipped into her room, Ted turned to Barney. "So are you going home or..." But Barney was already sprawled on the couch, asleep and snoring softly. Ted sighed, and ambled back to his own room.

* * *

"So, Robin Sparkles, what are you going to talk about during your American debut?" Marshall sidled with a smile as he, Robin, Lily, and Ted all sat down at their booth together.

"You know...guns and cigars. I thought I would use my fame to be an evil Bono." Robin said, smiling. She then gave a shrug. "I don't know," she said more seriously. "I'll tell them what it was like to be a pop icon, and how Wetzel's' Pretzels do horrible things your complexion."

Barney got up from his place at the bar where he had been talking with a young brunette, and sat down in the chair. He held out a bag to Robin, who grinned ear to ear.

"What is that?" Lily asked.

"Butterscotch," Robin said, beaming. "Thanks, Barney."

"Since when do you get Robin butterscotch?" Ted asked.

"Since I knocked her up and agreed to help her out with whatever she may need. This is me helping, Ted." Barney said caustically.

"And since I willing gave a report on my show written by Barney on the rising costs of BDSM paraphernalia, he owes me butterscotch daily for the rest of the month," Robin said, raising an eyebrow at Barney accompanied by a sly smile.

"And it was _so_ worth it," Barney said with an evil laugh. "But not quite _legendary_ yet. Wait until I give you the next report I've written. And then it is _on_," he hissed.

"Well, speaking of it being on, what was wrong with Baby Spice over there?" Marshall asked, referring to the brunette at the bar who, upon further inspection, seemed to be missing a bra but was most certainly wearing a thong.

"Ummm...another Mormon missionary," Barney stammered.

Lily did a double take. "If that is a Mormon missionary, then I..." She paused, and put her hand over her mouth. "Witty comeback is going to have to wait until I get done throwing up, everyone," she stated before running to the bathroom.

Marshall smiled after her before turning back to Robin. "So are you going to review all of Robin Sparkles' greatest hits tonight before the show?"

Robin shrugged. "I was just going to watch Iron Chef and maybe that show where the middle aged mother's yell at each other and cheat with each other's husbands. You guys can come, if you want to. A little pre-show party."

"Desperate Housewives or Real Housewives of Orange County?" Ted asked. Robin shrugged, shaking her head at him. "Look, it matters," he stated defensively. "I only like Desperate Housewives."

* * *

Robin peaked her head into the bathroom. "Lily?" she called. "Marshall paid me to come and check on you."

"I'm fine!" Lily called out from the stall. "I think it's over…for now." She wandered out of the stall, wiping her face with toilet paper. "I don't know why I tried so hard to get pregnant. This sucks."

"Right?" Robin said. "Throwing up all the time is the worst. And then when that's over, you're either horny, or tired. And often times both."

Lily nodded as she fished her emergency toothbrush out of her bag.

"I mean, I forgot to tape the hockey game the other night," Robin continued. "And forget real dinner…I'm now on a first name basis with the Chinese delivery guy. You know, I never thought I would say this, but it would be nice to be married."

Lily spat out her toothpaste and snorted. "Marshall's a hover-er. Did I eat any fish today? Did I ride a horse? Did I jump on a trampoline? He's slept on the couch more than once," she threw the toothbrush back in her bag. "And I never thought I would say _this_, but Barney's really pulling his weight."

"He is, isn't he?" Robin said. "Did you know he came over the other night with all of the Freddie Krueger movies because I was complaining about sleeping too much? It was really helpful. In a...creepy kind of way, but still."

Lily narrowed her eyes, considering, and nodded along. She and Robin turned to leave the bathroom when they were nearly injured by the woman that Barney had been talking with at the bar as she burst into the bathroom on her phone.

"Oh my God, I just got this guy's number, and he is off the hook. Apparently he's the governor of Washington. Like the state. God, I am going to go wild with him when we meet up tonight…"

"And I think I might be sick again," Lily whispered.

"Ugh, right there with you," Robin hissed back as they walked out of the bathroom.

* * *

While the girls were at the bathroom, Ted leaned forward conspiratorially towards Marshall. "So…I dumped Zoey."

Marshall stared at him blankly. "Why on Earth would you do that? She was the most perfect woman in the world for you. She actually knew what you were talking about when you start blabbering incoherently about old buildings."

"Yeah, I know, but…I don't know. Lately, I've been…thinking about someone else," Ted said as he stared at the door of the girl's restroom.

Marshall sighed. "Well, there goes a perfectly good best man speech," he muttered.

"Boobs?" Barney asked innocently.

Ted stared at Barney for a moment. "Okay, what's going on with you? You don't want to be a father, yet you're keeping Robin in butterscotch? I just don't get it."

"Come on, Ted," Barney said, rolling his eyes. "It's _Robin_. She's a bro. And bros take care of other bros. It would be like if I got…you pregnant."

Marshall smiled. "Awe. I think you two would make beautiful children," he cooed with a hand over his heart. Ted stared at him incredulously before stealing a sip of his drink.

Barney laughed at them for a moment. "But you see what I mean? I'm not just going to leave another bro out in the cold. It's un-brolike."

"But I mean," Ted began, leaning forward conspiratorially, "It's not because you still have a...thing for her, right?"

Barney stared at him with a kind of wide-eyed terror before taking a long sip of his drink. "Please, Ted," he responded finally with a snort. "Remember what happened when we were dating? Do I look like the kind of man who would willingly sign on to gaining back those twenty pounds?"

Ted grinned. "Okay, cool. I just…wanted to ask."

Barney narrowed his eyes at Ted, opened his mouth to speak, but instead took another long sip of his scotch.

* * *

Barney showed up to Ted's apartment with a collection of assorted popcorn, only to find Ted and Marshall playing Mario Cart on the old Supernintendo and Lily fixing some h'orderves in the kitchen.

He rounded into the kitchen and dropped off the popcorn. "Where's Robin? I thought this was her pre-game before the big show?"

Lily shrugged. "They're taking her, Becky, and the band out to dinner before hand, so she said she was just going to go straight to the studio afterwards. But Marshall still wanted to play Mario Cart with Ted, so we came anyways." Barney sighed heavily, and stole a cracker off of the plate that Lily was preparing. Lily narrowed her eyes at him. "And that brings us to the most important question of the night. Are you back in love with Robin?"

Barney spat the cracker clear across the kitchen, and turned to stare at Lily. "_What_? And I say a second time, _what?_ Lily you know that's absolutely ridiculous."

"Really?" Lily shot at him. "And does that account for the extremely high number of 'Mormon missionaries' that seem to be frequenting our bar?"

"Well, New York is really an evil, evil, place, full of lecherous..."

"And why would the missionary that you met today tell her friend in the bathroom how excited she was to do...indelicate things with you tonight? And if there was a girl out there that wanted to do...indelicate things with you, why would you run over here instead?"

Barney sighed. "I know it looks like I am...you know. But I'm not...you know. I'm just trying to help Robin out here. I _did _knock her up, you know. And if that means missing a three way with Lebanese trapeze artists..." he paused, closed his eyes, and shook his head violently, "to hang out with Robin before she does something that she doesn't really want to do, then so be it." He grinned suddenly. "It's not romance. It's _bro_mance."

Lily shook her head. "You just dug your own grave, Stinson," she growled. Barney, staring at her wide eyed, scooped up all of her crackers and ran quickly into the living room, gluing himself to the couch seat.

* * *

At two in the morning, Lily woke to a knock on the door. Groaning, she pulled herself out of bed and ambled to the front door. In opening it, she found Barney, in a certain state of disarray.

She gave him an understanding smile. "Do you want some tea?"

"Do you have any chamomile?" he asked.

She nodded. "I'll boil some water."

She came back with a cup of tea and handed it to Barney who was sitting on the couch, before sitting down heavily next to him. "You know," he said finally. "I think I am falling in love with Robin again."

Lily rolled her eyes. "I already knew that."

"Just in case, you know, you were confused...Right." He took a long drink of tea, and stared off into space. "It's just, we've been spending a lot of time together lately. Like one Saturday she wasn't feeling well, so we watched all four Alien movies, and all we did was talk and make comments about how bad ass Sigourney Weaver is. And another day she let me shoot stuff up on Ted's roof. Then there's all that doctor stuff. And I...I don't know. I spent so much time being resentful towards her when we were together that I forgot why I loved her, and now...I'm starting to remember again." He turned to Lily and gave her the saddest look she had seen in a long while. "Help me Obi-wan Aldrin, you're my only hope."

Lily's mouth twisted and she turned to look down into her hands. "Do you really want me to help you?"

He nodded earnestly.

"Then I think you should let this one go." Barney looked up at her, hurt. "Barney, listen. The last time you guys tried to date, it ended really badly, and I don't see that a whole lot has changed since then. And right now she's going through this huge life changing event, and the last thing she needs is to try and figure all of this stuff out with you when maybe it's something that neither of you are ready for right now." Barney's head dropped. "I know it's hard to hear, but...you're doing a great job, at being there for her and keeping her company when she needs it and buying her butterscotch, but maybe it's better for you, right now, to just focus on being a good friend."

Barney looked at her quizzically. "So just...keep doing this?" Lily nodded. Barney frowned. "Just give up?" Lily nodded again. Barney took another sip of tea, and stared down into his hands. "But this sucks."

Lily gave him a pat on the back, and glanced up at the clock. "Do you want to stay for Robin's show? I'll make pancakes."

Barney stood up and sighed sadly. "No thanks. I'm going to go home. I have a bigger TV than you."

* * *

"And welcome back to 'Get Up, New York!' with your solo host for the morning, Becky! Before the break we heard the hit "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" from the Crash Test Dummies, and then the super singles written by our very own Robin Scherbatsky, "Let's Go to the Mall!", and "We're Only in Grade Ten." Before we start the interview with our little star, I would like to once again introduce Darren Mace, music critic for "Rock On, Yukon," who comes to us all the way from...Whitehorse, which, if you didn't know - and I certainly didn't - is all the way on the other side of Canada! Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!"

Darren, a bespeckled older man with thick lenses, looked at the bouncy television anchor skeptically. "Er, thanks, Becky. I must say that it's an honor to finally brush elbows with the ever-reclusive Robin Sparkles, eh?"

"That's right! You disappeared off of the map there for a while?" Becky asked Robin brightly.

"Well, after seeing those music videos, you might understand my desire to stay under the radar," Robin responded with the cool finesse of a seasoned television reporter. "But ummm, I am having a surprisingly good time being Robin Sparkles again for these past few days."

"Good enough to consider maybe getting back into the business?"

"Hah! Oh, Becky, I hate to disappoint you, but I have left that kind of life far behind me."

Darren looked at her quizzically. "Really? According to my sources you've received several lucrative offers over the years to convince you to do the contrary."

"Received, yes. Acted upon...no. Exchanging Christmas cards with Alan Thicke is the closest I've gotten to the Canadian music industry in a long time. My career goals are vastly different than they were when I was sixteen."

"Oh, yes they are! Robin is one of the very very best co-anchors I have ever had the pleasure to work with!" Becky squealed.

Robin smiled at Becky. "Definitely. This news station has become like home to me, and I look forward to all the opportunities that this career might offer me."

"So let's do a little Behind the Music exposé on our favorite star. Tell us something about your life so far."

"Well, I am Canadian, as certainly seems to be popular today. I grew up with my father, who encouraged...sports, and with my mother, who helped me start my music career. I wrote a few songs, made a few videos, tried my hand at some acting, and when I felt like I had gotten enough out of music, I went to college and majored in telecommunications and started getting jobs as a television reporter. And that's what brought me to the fine city of New York."

"Isn't that just the best story? And it's not over yet!"

Robin cocked her head at Becky and gave her a threatening look.

"She's...oh, Robin, I'm just going to tell them, it's such great news...she's going to have a baby!"

The members of the Crash Test Dummies, sitting off stage, gave her a round of applause, and Becky stood up to give Robin a big hug. While Robin worked to keep up her reporter's cool, a look of pure rage flashed quickly across her face.

"Wow, you and your husband must be so excited," Darren commented. "It's always fun to see where these child pop stars end up in their lives."

"You know what, I'm actually not married," Robin said quickly with a tight smile.

Darren looked at her for a moment. "Oh," he said finally.

Robin breathed evenly and rearranged herself in her seat. And, with her best reporter's smile, turned to Darren. "Excuse me?" she began with a kind of sickening sweetness. "Oh?"

Darren's eyes widened as he realized the implications of what he had said. "I just meant...it would be hard work," he stammered. "I don't think I could do it."

Robin pursed her lips. "You know what...I don't think you could, either." And with that, she left the studio.

* * *

At six in the morning, Barney got out of a cab to find Robin sitting on the stoop to her apartment, sipping a cup of tea and wrapped in a warm shawl to protect against the brisk weather. He took a seat next to her and patted her back warmly.

"So did you get canned?" he asked bluntly, which got a smile out of Robin.

"They told me to take few days off and I could come back pending review. I think I would have gotten canned, but my boss thought the guy was way out of line. Plus I think opinionated women turn him on."

Barney chuckled. "You know, I could see that."

Barney continued to rub her back as she sipped her tea. "You know what? I don't know if I can do this," she said, matter of factly. He stared at her with his brow furrowed as she sighed heavily. "I mean, my career is fizzling out, my love life has been left for dead, and I'm going to be a mom to a child that I resent for taking these things away from me. It's going to be that much harder to be a famous newscaster and to live in Spain or Istanbul or Cairo. I'll be a bad, single mother, and that's what my life will amount to. I never actually thought that I would want to be sixteen and sing "Let's Go to the Mall" everyday. At least then I didn't feel helpless."

"Please," Barney scoffed. "You're a gun toting, scotch swilling, _Canadian_ who I know has personally defended your apartment from three different sets of burglars and one unfortunate hook-up of Ted's. You are about as far from helpless as one could possibly be."

"And this being a single mom thing sucks already, and it hasn't even really started," Robin continued. "I mean, that jack-ass was right, it is going to be hard. And I just...really wish that I had some help."

"Ummm, hello?" Barney said reproachfully, gesturing to himself.

Robin grinned. "I mean, someone to be there at three in the morning when I need to get up for work and I'm way too tired. Someone to make dinner for me or to remember to tape the hockey game or take the garbage out. Hell, someone to have sex with me when I want to. I was always afraid I would give up my independence in a relationship like that, but now...I don't know. I guess I kind of get it now. And I just…don't think I can do this by myself."

Barney paused for a minute, then did a double take. "You are the most incredible woman I know," he said finally. He reached to put his hand on the back of her neck, and she turned to look at him.

His mouth parted slowly, almost lustfully, and his eyes flickered towards her lips. Her eyelids fluttered heavily as she slowly leaned towards him. His other hand came up to slowly brush her cheek, and their lips touched.

"Uh, Robin," he murmured softly against her lips after two minutes of hungrily exploring each other's mouths.

"Yeah," she said, pulling away quickly.

"Yeah," he echoed as he stood up, waving frantically for a cab. "Well, see you later! Bye!"

* * *

Ted walked into his apartment later that day to find Robin sprawled on the couch, watching the television. "Hey," he called. "You want some bagels? I brought some back with me."

"Ugh, no thanks," Robin groaned from the couch. "Just the smell is making me sick."

"Smell? They don't..." He suddenly stared at her incredulously. "Wow, being pregnant makes you some kind of a super hero, doesn't it?"

"Yes, complete with the power to toss my cookies at a single sniff," she shot back caustically. "Jeez, put those things in a cabinet."

Ted put the bagels in the bread box and returned to sit next to Robin on the couch. "So Robin, there's something that I've been meaning to talk to you about."

"Is it about the toilet paper situation? Because I so did not use the last roll."

"No! Although I'm pretty sure it's your turn to buy...you know what, never mind." Ted took a deep breath and looked Robin in the eye. "Do you want to go out with me sometime?"

Robin sat up straight and stared at Ted, mouth agape. "Ted, that's..."

"Just hear me out, okay? You don't even have to answer me today or even anytime in the next few months. It's just...I've been thinking. We were great together, weren't we?"

"Yeah, but Ted, that was years ago, and we had very good reasons for breaking up."

"And those reasons mostly centered around the fact that we wanted different things in life. But now...I think we've both changed. Like now you're going to start a family, which is something you wouldn't even entertain when we were together. And it's just that, if we might have a chance together now, I just...I can't walk away from that."

Robin stood up, rubbing hands over her face. "Ted, this is insane," she said finally. "You can't just walk up to me years later and expect us to just be together. I mean, I haven't thought about you in that way in a long time."

"I know! And I know it would take time to sort it out, but...I want to try! I really do."

Robin sat down, and closed her eyes tightly before opening them again. "I'd have to think about it," she said finally.

* * *

Barney threw on his Armani robe and ran to open the door as a firm knock resounded through his apartment. "Stacy, I called you like three hours ago. You'd think you weren't excited to get engaged..." he murmured angrily to himself as he ripped open the door.

Instead, he found Robin, who had wrapped herself around him and forced her tongue in his mouth before he could speak. He gripped her ass and hoisted her around his waist as he wordlessly carried her inside and shut the door.

* * *

"_Mom_. You sly minx." Teddy slurred. "Both Dad and Uncle Ted?"

"I know, but in my defense..." she sighed, and stole a glance from both of them. "They were both really hot."

Barney nodded at Ted with a sly smile. "Hear that, buddy?" he sing-songed. He put his hand up. "Still Foxy After All These Years High Five!"

"She used the past tense, Barney," Ted said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh," Barney said, lowering his hand. Then he looked up at Robin angrily. "Hey!"


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer:_ Not mine

_Author's Note:_ Christmas time is busy! Sheilalein is beyond awesome, and everyone should tell her so. And thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has been reviewing - you brighten my day!

* * *

**Elaborate Lies, Chapter 4**

"Barney, you might want to speed up the story a little bit. Or make sure that Teddy gets her water refilled," Lily observed.

Teddy shook her head. "Aunt Lily, I've had three drinks. I'm fine. This is just...depressing."

"Yeah," Marshall said in agreement. "I lived this story and I'm still bummed out hearing it."

"Alright," Barney said with a sigh. "So a few months later..."

A shrill ringing sound interrupted him and Teddy, surprised, dug through her purse to produce her phone. "It's Oliver," she said with a grin.

Marshall fumbled with his drink in his excitement, and grabbed Lily's hand. "What did he say? Is he excited? Does he have his clothes all set out? Did you remember to hide his razor?"

Teddy gave him a grin. "He says that he just finished playing a set of Stevie Wonder covers with the band. _And _that he's excited to get married tomorrow."

The table chorused a series of cooes and Teddy grinned widely as she texted him back. After a moment, her phone trilled again, and she read off the message. "He says that after these stories tonight, he hopes that he'll see me tomorrow but if not, he understands. But he gets all of the reimbursements from the wedding."

"You're still going tomorrow, aren't you?" Lily asked, a shadow of worry passing over her face.

Teddy smiled softly at her. "Of course. I love him." The table erupted with more 'awws' and Teddy grinned wider. "And if anything, you guys are scaring me towards marriage, not away from it."

"Wow, that was so not the point of this," Barney stated, rolling his eyes. "You have not learned anything from us, have you?"

"Oh, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know. But not that one thing that you promised me when this all started."

"Right! So a few months later..."

* * *

Lily and Marshall walked up to the booth at MacLarens only to narrowly avoid Barney running frantically away towards the bar. Robin was sitting in the booth, snickering, and Lily and Marshall sat down, looking confused. Barney suddenly reappeared with three shots in hand, threw them on the table, and then ran back to the bar.

"What's up with him?" Marshall said, looking quizzically as Barney dropped off more shots at the table.

Robin continued to snicker. "I told him he has to come to Lamaze classes with me today," she said, now openly laughing. "God, the look on his face alone was worth it."

Lily lit up. "Oh yeah! You're officially in your third trimester now! Are you excited?"

"Gee, am I excited to learn how to push a human being with a head somewhere between the size of a grapefruit and a melon out of my vagina? It's almost comparable to that time I was hunting with my father and I shot at a bear but didn't kill it," Robin snipped.

"All right Marshall, be ready with the telephone and the antifreeze that I put under the booth," Barney panted as he sat down and took two shots into his hands. "And if I blackout, no matter what anyone tells you, no matter who arrests you, it is your job to keep funneling these down my throat."

"If you don't want to have a vaginal birth, why don't you just schedule a C-section?" Lily asked. "Apparently it's the cool thing to do, nowadays."

"She brings up an excellent point, Robin," Barney said, now on his second shot.

"I'm not going to forget my roots!" Robin said indignantly. "Just because I'm a dual citizen doesn't mean that I've become an _American_, yet."

Barney, now on his third shot, shook his head angrily and turned to Marshall. "Tell her how horrific this is. I mean, the female body is a sacred temple of life and happiness. And seeing a small human coming out of that temple will ruin sex forever for me." Robin narrowed her eyes at him slightly, and Barney started. "With...random, preferably breast enhanced, women," he added quickly.

Lily stared at Marshall. "Is this true?"

Marshall stared at the ceiling, and then took a leisurely look around the room to glance back at Lily. "What was that?"

Lily looked at him, mouth agape. "Are you not excited to watch our child come into the world?"

"Of course I am, baby!" Marshall said, giving Barney a deadly look. He then paused, and sighed deeply. "It's just that I _use_ and _enjoy_ that area, Lily. And now associating it with our children, it's just…it will take some getting used to."

Lily stared down Marshall with a blind fury, and Barney sucked down shot number five. "Celibacy will also take some getting used to," she growled.

"Don't worry, everything eventually just goes numb and you stop missing it," Robin said to Marshall with a shrug while keenly aware of Barney's hand slowly hitching up her skirt under the booth.

"Okay, Barney? I thought what happened during Bros Time on the roof stayed at Bros Time on the roof," Marshall shot at him angrily.

Barney looked up at him with heavy eyelids and wobbled slightly in his seat. "I have no idea what is even going on right now."

* * *

"Why is this on our couch?" Ted asked, poking a comatose Barney who was splayed across the couch and snoring.

"_That_ got way drunk at MacLaren's last night and was incapable of standing, let alone hailing a cab," Robin responded, munching on a bowl of macaroni and cheese drizzled in ketchup.

"Oh. And _ewww_. What are you eating?"

"Something delicious," Robin said with a sly smile. She took a spoonful and shoved it into Ted's face. "You want some, don't you?"

"God, you and your cravings, which have just gotten more disgusting, by the way, as your spawn gestates," Ted said, turning his nose up at the dripping macaroni and cheese and playfully pushing her arms away. He found himself too close to her face, and he gave her a small, longing smile.

Robin pushed herself away from him. "Wow Ted, you have got to lay off on the pressure."

"Oh, come _on_, Robin," Ted groaned. "Can't we talk about this at all? Why is this so hard to even have a conversation about?"

"Because it's awkward, Ted, and I am not at all ready to have a conversation about it with you right now," Robin said definitively.

"Will you ever _be_ ready?"

The two were interrupted by Barney sitting straight up, bedraggled and half asleep, squinting at Robin. "That smells _incredible_," Barney rasped, and then face planted back into the couch cushion.

Before Ted could turn back to Robin, she had disappeared into her bedroom.

* * *

"I keep getting all this baby stuff," Robin groaned into the phone a few days later as she kicked a jumper across her room.

"Me too," Barney said, looking, disgruntled, at a bassinet that had been sent to him from his secretary and was currently sitting in the middle of his living room. "Babies are _needy_."

"I wonder how big my downstairs storage space _is_," Robin wondered out loud. "I mean, I won't need this stuff for another two months, and right now it's just taking up space."

"I was thinking of making this crib thing into an add-on for the sex swing," Barney said, experimentally rocking the bassinet, deep in thought.

"Wow, that's kind of gross," Robin agreed, dunking the Oreo in her hand into cup of olive oil that she had balanced on her belly. "So I'll meet you in two hours?"

"I thought your class wasn't until four?" Barney asked, confused.

"It is at four," Robin said, her voice dropping seductively.

"Ah," Barney responded, a smile slowly spreading across his face. "Then I definitely will see you in two hours."

Robin smiled to herself, and shook her head. "I can't believe you're still up for this."

"Please. Two words: Porn tits. And think about that thing we did two nights ago and then ask me that again."

She felt a flush spread across her cheeks and down between her legs. "You may have a point."

* * *

Robin stood awkwardly in the middle of what appeared to be a yoga studio as women and their partners grabbed mats and chitchatted with other couples. Someone tapped on her shoulder, and she turned to see a shorter, young woman about her age and about eight months along looking absolutely relieved to see her. "Are you Robin?" she asked furtively.

"Yeah! You must be Katie. Becky told me to look out for you here."

"Oh my God, you have no idea how glad I am to meet you. Another three minutes with all of these couples and their annoying chit-chat I might have thrown up," Katie said, fanning herself with the class handouts.

Robin grinned. "You know, I never thought I would say this, but Becky was right. We just might get along."

Katie smiled. "Don't get me wrong, Becky is absolutely crazy, and I could murder her for being so peppy all of the time. But she's also one of the nicest people alive."

"I know," Robin responded. "When my job was up for review she really worked hard to make sure I stayed at the station. So I guess she's…not so bad." Robin scanned the room quickly. "So where's your partner for today?" she asked.

Katie held up a fun noodle and sighed. "I got knocked up in a gym bathroom by a guy I played against in recreational co-ed soccer, so…no partner for me. God, I cannot tell you how many times since then I wished I had been on birth control. Do you have a partner here?"

She then turned to the doorway to see Barney peaking around the corner and into the space. "Yeah, he just is a big she-male. Excuse me." She sighed and marched towards him. "Okay, get in here."

"No way!" Barney hissed.

"Okay, seriously, get in here."

"Robin! There's no way I'm going in there. Do you know," his voice dropped down to a whisper, "Do you know how many women in there I've _slept_ with?"

"Well that's your problem, not mine."

"No, you don't understand. That girl over in the corner? Thinks I'm in Geneva, working with the scientists who create antimatter, like in "Angels and Demons". That woman with the hairy man? Thinks that I died of a chronic disease."

"Well, if you play your cards right, she still might have a chance to put flowers on your grave," Robin growled.

"Robin!" Barney squealed.

"No! You promised that you would be here to pad my humiliation at having to pant openly in front of other people. And if you back out now I will show you how good I am with shooting moving targets."

Barney groaned and banged his head against the wall. A young blond girl, clearly far along in her pregnancy, walked past Barney, then doubled back. "Buzz Aldrin?" she asked, staring openly at him. Barney begrudgingly turned to meet her gaze. "I thought you were going on a three year trip to the Mars space station, maybe never to return?"

Robin smiled and pulled Barney towards the door by his wrists. "He may go, yet."

* * *

"So how was class?" Marshall asked as Barney sat down heavily in the booth next to Ted.

Barney didn't respond. Instead, he fell face forward into the table and groaned. Marshall nodded in understanding and waved to Wendy the Waitress for a scotch.

Ted gave an equally pathetic groan. "I just…I can't believe Zoey would act like this. I mean, we broke up. It wasn't working. We talked about it. So why do I keep getting weed mailed to me and then find police officers with dogs sniffing around at my door?"

"I mean, Ted, you did break up with her while out on a dinner date. And right before Christmas," Lily said with a shrug. "I might sic weed sniffing dogs on you, too."

"But how else could I have done it? I had to break up with her – it was unfair of me to keep dating her when I knew my…heart was elsewhere." Ted sighed. "I don't know what to do."

Marshall and Lily exchanged looks. "Ted, you certainly have had your fair share of relationship experiences, but there is one technique you have yet to master," Marshall said, cocking an eyebrow at him. "Four magic, mystical words that can mean the difference between happiness and eternal damnation."

Ted furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Marshall quizzically. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"'You're right, I'm sorry,'" Marshall said simply. "Now, you have to be discrete with the use of these words. You cannot say them just to end an argument, nor in a fit of melodrama. But when used correctly, they have the ability to curtail even the staunchest argument. Observe."

Marshall and Lily turned towards each other, clearing their throats. "Marshall, dear," Lily began, putting on a terribly fake acting voice. "I have such a problem with the fact that you do not want to see our child's birth."

"Lily, dear," Marshall said, putting on the same voice. "It would bother me to watch a small human come out of the orifice that I most enjoy."

"But Marshall, love," Lily said, her fake acting voice taking on more of a growl. "We have been trying for so long to have our baby, and it hurts my feelings that you would want to leave me alone in all of that pain."

"But Lily, sweetums," Marshall growled back, "I really just want to wait in waiting room, pacing, with a cigar, like husbands used to do."

"But Marshall, schookums," Lily seethed, "You may be upset if you miss this moment in our child's life. I also may never have intercourse with you ever again."

"But LILY, SUCCUBI," Marshall screamed. "IT MAY BE NICE TO HAVE A BREAK FROM SEX WITH YOU AFTER YOU HAVE RIDDEN ME LIKE A PRIZED STALLION FOR THE PAST MONTH."

"I WOULD NOT USE THE TERM PRIZED!" Lily screamed back.

Ted and Barney shrank back into their seats. Lily and Marshall continued to stare angrily at one another for a full minute. Then the couple turned to Ted as though nothing had happened.

"Now watch," Marshall said. He turned back to Lily. "You're right, I'm sorry," he began, taking her hands in his and sighing deeply. "I really should be present for the birth of our child, no matter what I'm afraid of."

"No, you're right, and I'm sorry," Lily said in return. "I understand that watching our child be born might make you uncomfortable."

"So let's compromise," Marshall said, earnestly. "I'm comfortable with being in the room, maybe near your head, and holding your hand, but I do not want to actually want to see…the other end."

"I think that sounds just fine," Lily said with a smile. "I really just wanted you there for support."

They both turned back to Ted. "See?" Marshall asked. "'You're right, I'm sorry,' validates your partner and opens up the conversation to compromise. It's the perfect way to solve an issue."

"But you just seemed so mad," Ted said, quivering.

"You kind of just…realize that you care about the other person more than you feel a need to be right," Lily explained. "It feels good, too!"

No one spoke for a minute. Then Barney looked up at both of them in awe. "You two must have an awesome sex life," he appraised.

Robin took this moment to amble up to the booth and plopped down on the chair. "Women are bitches," she growled angrily.

"Yeah, they are," Ted agreed, throwing his hand up for a high five.

Robin slapped his hand firmly, then went back to sulking. "So I stayed after class for a while to talk to that girl Katie, and I heard these _married_ women making all sorts of terrible remarks about how _unsavory_ it is to have _unmarried_ pregnant women in their class and how they feel so bad for us. I mean, who died and made them our moral superiors?" She took a long drag of Lily's water. "_Married_ women."

"Yeah, psh," Marshall agreed. "_Married_ women."

"You watch your mouth," Lily growled.

"You're right I'm sorry, you're right I'm sorry!" Ted and Barney shouted in unison, both looking terrified at Marshall and Lily's mounting argument.

* * *

Barney leaned over Robin's back, panting, before briefly planting a kiss on her spine and pulling away. "That was like, a one hundred and seventeen out of ten," he breathed heavily.

"Yeah it was," Robin said with a big smile. "Way to break our previous record, by the way,"

"What record was that?" Barney asked.

"We were at this for like, three hours!" Robin said, gesturing to the clock. "I feel like…that pizza delivery guy in that Future…something show that Ted's into. I think that seasons came and went."

"Yeah, they did," Barney said with a porny grin. "Stamina high five!" Their hands met in the air and stayed there for a few minutes, and they both collapsed laughing.

Robin got out of bed and began to put her clothes back on, and Barney looked at her from the bed. "Stay!" he blurted suddenly. Robin stared at him, confused, and he cleared his throat loudly. "I mean, you know, you don't have to go all the way back to your apartment before work. Just hang out here until you have to leave."

Robin looked at him, tilting her head in thought. "It would be kind of awesome to not have to explain to Ted where I was at all hours of the night. But three hours of sex, Barney, means that I am in desperate need of a shower."

Barney opened him mouth in mock offense. "Robin Sherbatsky, I am gravely offended that you would have forgotten my very own shower from earlier tonight. I mean, the thing with the shower head alone, am I right? I even have a second towel from when we were…you know, when…" he then trailed off, and both of them were suddenly caught in an extremely awkward silence. "Yeah," Barney drawled, squinting his eyes shut in frustration and pounding his fist against his forehead.

"Yeah," Robin responded, looking at him nervously. "Well, I'll see you later, alright?" she called as she walked towards the door.

"Bye!" Barney called as he heard the door close. "Idiot," he murmured to himself.

* * *

Robin walked up the steps of her apartment building only to run straight into Marshall on his way out.

"Wow…Marshall!" Robin stuttered nervously. "Wow. Like, so weird to bump into you here!"

"Ummmm…" Marshall began hesitantly. "I don't think it's a weird for me as it is for you. What are you doing out so late at night, by the way?"

"Well, so good to see you!" Robin called, ignoring him, before trying to push by him to her apartment door.

Marshall stood for a moment before gasping loudly and pointing vehemently at Robin. Robin's eyes widened into saucers and then she ran up to Marshall to slap a hand over his mouth just as he began to yell out.

"Okay, whatever you're going to scream, you're not going to scream it here, alright?" Robin hissed dangerously. "You're going to wait until we get to the stoop, and then you are going to say whatever it is you're going to say in a normal tone of voice. On pain of death, Marshall," she stated, tightening her grip over his mouth. "On pain of _death_. And you've seen me at the shooting range, Marshall. You know what that means."

Terrified, Marshall nodded, and allowed Robin to lead him out to the stoop. Glaring, Robin slowly loosened her grip over his mouth.

"I call _slut_," Marshall whispered angrily.

"Marshall…" Robin began.

"Are you and Barney back together?" he shot angrily.

"No! No. It's just...sex." Robin said, crossing her arms defensively.

Marshall ran his hands through his hair, agitated. "I don't understand this. I don't want to _know_ this. How can you just…sleep with Barney? And Ted told me about asking you out and you saying that you had to _think about it_. It's just…" Marshall sighed, exasperated. "What are you _doing_?"

Robin opened her mouth to respond, then sighed and lowered herself onto the stoop. She started to sniffle and Marshall, his face softening, sat down next to her.

"Oh…don't cry," he said, pulling a bar napkin out of his pocket and handing it to her. "I had this whole righteous speech in my head that I wanted to give to you, and I just can't do that when you're sad."

Robin sniffled louder. "I don't know what I'm doing, Marshall!" she cried. "I just…I'm pregnant, and I'm confused, and I'm scared, and I'm horny _all the time_…"

Marshall nodded with a sly smile. "Oh yeah. I'm familiar with the phenomenon."

"And Ted's _Ted_, only now Ted is Ted-ing out and maybe he's right, maybe I have changed and maybe in a way that means we can date again and make it work, but that means signing on to more than just this kid, it also means signing on to a house and family and going to Cleveland every Christmas and wearing matching jogging suits and picking out ugly china, and that really _scared_ me. And Barney, well, Barney's just…" Robin paused her tirade to sniff.

Marshall nodded understandingly. "Not Ted," he finished for her.

Robin sighed. "But it's more than that. He's..._Barney_. And…God. This time you're right. I am a slut."

Marshall put a hand around her shoulders. "Nah. I mean, yeah, but it's because you're pregnant, and confused, and scared, and…horny."

She sniffed again and dabbed at her eyes with the napkin. "I know you don't have the greatest track record with this stuff, but…please don't tell anyone about this, alright?"

"I cannot keep this secret!" Marshall exclaimed. "Every night I go to sleep next to Lily I'll just feel guilty. And I'll do the nervous stuttering thing, and she'll bat her beautiful eyes and take off her shirt and I'll be singing like a canary."

"Marshall, please?"

Marshall sighed. "I promise not to tell if you promise to figure this out," he stated. She looked down at the stoop with watering eyes, nodding guiltily. Marshall continued. "Look, I know this is a tough time for you, but at the same time…this is really uncool, to Ted and to Barney. So just…think about it."

* * *

"Wow, are you Robin?" one of the married women in the Lamaze class asked her during a break. "It's so nice to meet you!"

"Yeah, really! We watch your show, like, religiously," another married woman called out from across the room.

Robin looked at both of them quizzically. "Uh, thanks." She turned to Katie and Barney who were both sitting next to her. "That was weird, right?"

"Totally," Katie said, giving the women the same strange look. Barney just started to chuckle evilly to himself.

Robin stared at him angrily. "What did you _do_?" she hissed angrily, but Barney just continued to chuckle.

Katie straightened her back in a desperate attempt to stretch it out. "Can you let me use him today?" she asked, gesturing to Barney. "My back hurts and I'm tired of the fun noodle."

"You can use me any day, baby," Barney said in his trademark sultry tone, throwing out a half smile.

Katie burst out laughing, and Robin rolled her eyes. "Seriously? At Lamaze class?" she shot at him.

The instructor stepped up to the front of the room to begin class again. "Now I need everyone take a deep breath in and relax…"

"Armani sweatpants, Armani sweatpants!" Barney began to shriek as he skittered away from Robin's mat. Clear liquid was suddenly pooling around Katie, who was awkwardly trying to stand up, and both she and Robin exchanged a look of abject horror.

"What's going on?" the instructor asked, calling to the back of the room.

"I think my water just broke." Katie squeaked. "_Shit_."

* * *

"Are you sure that's all the drugs you can give me?" Katie asked the nurse as she panted through another contraction. "I still _feel _everything bad that's going on down there."

The nurse nodded. "Well, we need you to be able to feel it, so you can push when the time is right," she said, bending over to check the baby's vital signs.

"Any chance I might need a C-section? Don't they numb you all the way down for that?" Katie asked, finally relaxing after the contraction.

"Young lady, a C-section is major surgery," the nurse chided. "If you don't need it, than you won't have it."

"Wow, she was cranky," Robin whispered as the nurse left the room.

Katie sighed. "Maybe she should try some of these drugs. Might knock that stick right out of her butt." She scanned the room quickly. "Hey, where's Barney?"

"Is it happening?" he called from behind the curtain that separated the room from a view to the hallway.

Robin rolled her eyes. "Barney, it's not going to happen for another hour or so. Get out here."

Barney peeked around the curtain momentarily, then experimentally entered the room. He was suddenly drawn to the table of tools that the nurses had begun to set up to prepare for the birth. "Wow, giant salad tongs," he said, gesturing to the forceps. "What do you think these are for?" Katie whimpered as another contraction hit her and Robin glared at Barney, who shrugged innocently.

An hour later, the nurses began to flood the room, and the resident on duty began to don sterile clothing. Katie, sweating and panting, suddenly grabbed Robin's hand. "Look, I know this is the last thing in the world that you want to do, but can you stay in here with me?"

Robin looked at her as though she were a deer caught in the headlights.

"Robin, I'm alone. And I'm absolutely terrified. And I think I'll go crazy if it's just me and the doctor and my impending motherhood. Please, please do this?"

Robin sighed and looked down to stare at the floor, then grabbed Katie's hand. "You owe me like, big time." she groaned as she took a seat on a stool next to Katie's head.

Barney looked at them both, his face a white sheet. "So I'm just going to…" he started, gesturing to the door.

"I'll come and get you afterwords," Robin said, but Barney was already out the door.

* * *

Barney sat out in the waiting room, emphatically playing a Tetris game on his cell phone. Robin, shell-shocked, walked out from the double doors of the delivery room and sat heavily next to him, staring off into space.

A few moments later, Barney stood up, arms raised and danced around in front of Robin. "What now? Look who just beat your all time highest score! I'm-more-awesome-than-you high five! That's where I say I'm going to high five you, and don't." Robin gave him a tired smile, and Barney sat down again, looking at his hands. "So was it…"

Robin breathed. "It was disgusting. Scarring. Terrifying. And strangely…moving."

Barney looked at her strangely. "Moving? Are we in a Lifetime movie now?"

Robin smiled softly at him. "It's just…I don't really know how to describe it, it was just this…really cool, yet nauseating, experience. I mean, she was screaming, and the kid looked like an alien after it came out, and I found out what those salad tongs were for, by the way, but after they cleaned him up and set him in her arms it was just…"

"Aww, a baby boy?" Barney cooed, his voice jumping up an octave. "I want to see the baby boy."

Robin smiled and led him into Katie's room, where they found Katie curled up on the bed with the baby in her arms. "Hi," she whispered to them, "He just opened his eyes but I don't think it will be for long."

Barney walked up to the pair carefully and bent down to see the baby's face. "Oh my God!" he gasped. "He's so tiny! Really, how can people even be this tiny?"

Katie gave him a tired smile. "This is Michael. My beautiful, beautiful, already a pain in my ass, son."

Barney looked up at Robin. "I don't know, I feel like someone should…get him a present, or something."

Robin rolled her eyes. "Barney, you might not realize this, but it usually is customary to give a gift to a new baby."

"I wonder how small they make suits?" Barney wondered out loud. Katie shot Robin a confused glance, to which Robin just rolled her eyes.

* * *

Barney walked out of the gift shop with the biggest gorilla that they had available, and Robin laughed harder than she had in a long time. "Now that will just scare him."

"Oh, come on! It's awesome! He can pretend to be Tarzan or whatever other awesome things he'd want to play." He paused. "Although Tarzan didn't wear a suit, so it's going to be kind of problematic." He looked at her for a long moment, almost appreciatively, and then put on that dashing half smile. "And speaking of not wearing suits, I'm think that family bathroom over there locks…" he stated huskily.

Robin looked hard at him and, after a minute, touched his hands. "Look, can we talk for a minute?"

Both of them sat down at a table in the food court, and Barney sat the stuffed gorilla in a third chair. "Look, this has been…kind of an eye opening experience for me. I mean, this is going to be me in two months. Me. I'm going to be the one grunting and publicly defecating,"

"_Ewww_," Barney snarled.

"And sitting there with a tiny, tiny, child, which will be depending on me for everything. And I realized that I just…I don't have the luxury of being uncommitted anymore. I can't just do anything I want, especially when I'm, I don't know, scared or confused, and think it's responsible to him…or her. So I think, maybe, we should stop doing whatever it is that we're doing."

Barney looked at her, heartbroken. "Robin…"

"No, look, it's just," Robin interrupted, "You and I gave it a good try before, and it didn't work. We were miserable together. And when I told you about this you ran and locked yourself in a bathroom. And it really sucked for me."

Barney looked at her sadly, and then, a look of realization dawned over his face, and he gave a small smile. "You know what, you're right. And I'm sorry."

Robin took his hand in hers. "You know what, it's in the past. And I'm sorry I brought it up, because you already made that up to me. But still, Barney, I mean, can we still keep up this having sex secretly with a kid in our lives? A kid that needs stability and would want to know why his mom and his dad aren't together but they always lock the door to the bedroom when they visit one another? You and I can't be together in a real way, and as much as I really don't want to stop having sex with you…" She looked him in the eye, then stared at the floor, "I don't think this can go on like this. It's just going to get complicated, and it's going to be more complicated the longer we wait to break it off."

Barney stared at the floor and pulled the stuffed gorilla into his lap, painting a tableau that hitched Robin's breath for a moment. He then looked up at her again. "Robin, I…I still lo…you know…" He sighed, and stared at the floor, dejected. "So you don't want to have sex in the bathroom?"

Robin smiled and laughed, shaking her head. "Are you upset?"

"Nah," Barney said, scuffing his shoe on the floor. "I mean, I will have to start going to the gym more regularly," he joked, getting another smile from Robin. "But seriously. Bros first, right?"

"Right on," Robin agreed with a smile. She pulled Barney into a hug, who held her tightly, momentarily putting his hand on the back of her head. "So let's go give Michael his first nightmare," she said, picking up the gorilla by the hand and beginning down the hall. Barney sat in his chair for a moment longer, staring thoughtfully into his hands, before standing up to join her.

* * *

"I love watching other people work," Robin said, sitting down next to Lily on her and Ted's couch with a bowl of ice cream and hot sauce.

Marshall grunted as he stared at the pieces of the mobile scattered around him. "You know, I think that these were originally torture devices that were meant to eventually drive captives mad."

"Oh, put your back into it," Lily chided, making a face at Robin's concoction.

"Barney you have to move your foot, or else it's not going to…" came Ted's voice from the hall.

"Well, you have to turn it, like…Owww! My poor shoe, it's scuffed," Barney responded vehemently.

"Oh grow up and push…that way…" Ted and Barney suddenly appeared in the apartment, grunting as they pushed a boxed bassinet into the apartment and let it drop in the middle of the floor.

"Uh, Ted, the baby can't sleep there," Robin said with a grin. "You'll keep him up all night with your Lifetime Marathons."

"Oh, come on, I don't…" Ted began, embarrassed. "Look, it was just that one movie…"

Barney snickered at him evilly. "Busted," he said pointing at Ted.

"Shut up. And go downstairs and get the rest of the stuff that you bought out of my car before someone steals it."

Still laughing, Barney ran out of the apartment, and Ted went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. Robin followed him, putting her bowl into the sink.

"Please," Ted asked, staring at the bowl in disgust. "Please wash that. Immediately."

"Oh, keep your panties on," Robin said, swatting him with a dishrag. She found herself staring at him as he walked away, and she took a deep breath. "Oh, and Ted?" she called. Ted turned and walked back to the kitchen. "I'll go out to dinner with you."

Ted's face completely lit up. "Are you serious? This is awesome! I'll make a reservation at…"

"If you take me to that place with the blue French horn I leave my dishes unwashed on your bed."

"Duly noted. But hey," He squeezed her hands gently, "I'm really happy you changed your mind."

* * *

"I kind of want to kick Uncle Ted in the shin right now," Teddy said, sighing.

"Me? I did nothing wrong in this situation!" Ted said indignantly. "If anything you should kick your mother. Or Barney."

"Hey!" both Barney and Robin yelled.

"Oh, I want to kick their shins, too, but it's just…it's just so easy to be mad at you in this story. I mean, you're the other guy getting in between the two main characters. If this were a Disney movie, you would be dressed in black and would have a secret laboratory in the basement of your castle and would also be plotting to take over the world."

"Seriously," Barney said, shaking his head, "What are kids _watching_ nowadays?"

"And Dad, why couldn't you just tell Mom then how you felt?" Teddy asked earnestly.

Barney opened his mouth and shut it again quickly, then looked at Robin, who cocked her eyebrows. "Because _she_ told me not to!" Barney blurted quickly, pointing at Lily.

Lily gasped in indignation. "I told you that because I thought you weren't ready to be together. If I had known that you said 'You're right, I'm sorry' to Robin, I would have been sprinkling rose petals on your sheets."

"Barney, come on," Marshall scoffed. "I know you well enough to know that when you want something, only you can stop yourself. I mean, you ran the New York Marathon just to make a point. So there had to be something else getting in your way."

Teddy looked at Barney strangely. "Were you scared?"

Barney stared aghast at Marshall and Teddy. "There is _nothing_ that gets in the way of the Barnacle," he stated firmly. "And I laugh heartily at fear before kicking in the face and stealing its lunch money." Robin smiled softly and kissed him on the cheek, and he turned to smile at her.

"See," Teddy said. "This is what I want to hear about. Romantic smooching. Not whatever you were doing in locked rooms when no one else knew."

"Well, you're in luck! I think we go to the Hywet Ballroom next," Lily said with a grin.

"The Last Great Party," Ted and Marshall breathed at the same time, reaching across the table to fist bump one another. Barney and Robin rolled their eyes, and Teddy clapped her hands happily.

"So what did you do to those women to make them be so nice to Mom?" Teddy asked suddenly.

Barney stared at her thoughtfully. "I'll tell you when you're older," he said finally.


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer_: Not mine.

_Author's Note_: Busy, busy Christmas! An eternal thank you to Sheilalein. If you are in need of a beta reader, she comes highly recommended. Thank you also to everyone who has been reading along - it's been a lot of fun! The term 'babyfic' usually puts chills up my spine, so I was surprised when I came up with this. But if it's a fun read, then that's all that counts. I'd like to be a little more involved with this community, so any kind of constructive criticism at all is appreciated - both the good and the bad. Thanks again!

* * *

**Elaborate Lies, Chapter 5**

"The Last Great Party?" Teddy asked, sipping the last of her water.

"Yeah," Ted said dreamily. "One of the most wonderful nights in all of our lives. Bad music, bad beer, expensive clothing that we all bought second hand because no one actually wanted to dress up…"

"It was kind of our last excuse to act like kids," Lily explained. "So the boys, at least, embraced it."

Teddy laughed. "I'm envisioning some kind of nineties montage that ends with all of you dancing together at the Hywet ballroom to 'Don't Stop Believing'."

"That's close," Ted said. "Except that we're not _that _old, dear."

Teddy grinned widely. "Okay, bring on the romance!" she said with a clap of her hands.

"Now, not so fast," Barney admonished. "We still have Dungeon Master Ted's evil plans to work around before we get to the part that everyone actually wants to hear."

"That's unfair, Barney! I never would have asked her out if had known that you had a thing of her," Ted cried.

"Really?" Robin said, her voice rising in volume, "So you only wanted to date me if no one else wanted to? Was that some kind of pity date?"

Ted sighed, and pointed at Barney. "Stop stirring up trouble."

Barney chuckled evilly.

* * *

"Barney, you do not seriously have your nephew in a Baby Bjorn carrier at a bar," Marshall stated plainly as he looked up at Barney from their booth.

Barney stood next to the table with Eli, dressed in a suit and cooing happily, strapped to his chest. He looked at Marshall quizzically. "What are you talking about? He's having a great time!" Eli giggled, as if on cue.

"Yeah, but that just seems…wrong," Marshall said, squinting in discomfort.

"Marshall, the Baby Bjorn carrier is one of the greatest inventions of all time," Barney exclaimed. "Not only am I free to use my hands, but the ladies are coming up to me in droves. The 'Single Dad' was never a move that I ever thought to try, but it works, my friends. Outside, I had four women with at least one hand on my person all at once. That hasn't happened since…well, last week, but today I had to work way less hard for it."

"I think it's sweet!" Lily chimed in, reaching up to play with Eli's feet, making him giggle wildly. "What all are you guys going to do today?"

"Well, we went to the zoo, and then to Central Park, then to get fitted for a new suit because the ones he has are getting too small, and now I think it's time for him to go home so his dads can come and pick him up," Barney said, leaning left and right to rock Eli playfully, eliciting more giggles.

"You're still upbeat. You must not have had to change his diaper yet," Marshall snorted, grinning evilly.

"Oh, I did!" Barney said enthusiastically. He paused. "But one of the girls I mentioned earlier was a big help," he added quickly.

"Barney! You're supposed to be practicing for when your own baby comes," Lily admonished. "Convincing hapless women to help you with the yucky parts isn't good practice."

"What? I'm taking her out for drinks later, that's like payment," Barney yelped indignantly. Facing Marshall and Lily's disapproving looks, Barney sighed. "Look, he's alive, he's happy, he's well dressed, and he got changed one way or the other. I don't think I'm doing so badly."

Lily stared for a moment, and then shook her head. "Maybe my hormones are just going bananas, but he just made a lick of sense."

Marshall patted her shoulder softly as baby Eli giggled loudly again. "So, are you going to the 'Last Great Party'?" he asked Barney.

Barney shook his head. "What's that?"

"Stewart and Claudia are having this big party tonight," Lily said, shrugging. "Since everyone seems to be having kids, they wanted to have one last hurrah before, and I quote the invitation, 'We All Get Lame and Fat'. They rented a ballroom and everything."

"That sounds…lame," Barney said with a sneer. "A group of has-beens dancing awkwardly around the end of their youth in bad dresses? No thank you." Eli took that moment to gurgle loudly, and Barney looked at him appreciatively. "See, he agrees with me."

"I don't know, it could be fun," Lily said with a shrug. "I mean, we're going to have a baby within the next six months, and it would be nice to have one great bash before we settle into full time parenthood. Oh, we could get dressed up!"

"Only girls get excited about that," Marshall snorted. "And Barney."

Barney shrugged. "Nah. I think the Lusty Leopard has a special show tonight, anyways." He then looked around, puzzled. "Hey, where are Ted and Robin?"

Marshall jumped nervously, and Lily and Barney turned to look at him. "Sweetie, are you alright?" Lily asked.

"Are you still worried about that Bigfoot sighting I made up last week? Because seriously, that was a joke." Barney stated. He then grinned evilly. "Or was it?"

Marshall stared aghast at both of them before his eyes finally settled on Lily. As if in slow motion, she batted her eyes and leaned over seemingly seductively in her low cut shirt. "Oh, I'm in trouble," he murmured quietly to himself.

* * *

"Wow, Ted, this is…really nice," Robin stated uncertainly.

Ted beamed. "Do you like it? I hope it's not over the top."

The restaurant was flooded with red roses at every table, with waiters dressed in tails. The tables were small, and the portions, it appeared, were even smaller. The only patrons were couples, in which the men were dressed in suits and the women in expensive cocktail dresses. Robin smoothed her own dress over her bulging belly and sighed uncomfortably. "No, it's just fine," she finally choked out.

The waiter led them to their table and pulled out Robin's chair for her, then, after she had sat down, awkwardly placed her napkin in her lap for her and fetched it for her when it inevitably fell onto the floor. He tried to place it again, but Robin grabbed the napkin from him and, kindly but sternly, sent him away, as Ted, oblivious to the scene, tried to pick out the best sparkling wine for from the extensive list.

"So what do you think? Red or White? God Robin, this is just blowing my mind. I don't even know where to start. You and I have such a history. Maybe we should…"

"Ted, I've been sleeping with Barney for the past two months," Robin blurted suddenly.

Ted stared at her, mouth agape. "I'm sorry, you're what?"

"Was. I was sleeping with Barney. We just…stopped…last week."

"And, what, that's when you decided that you wanted to go out on a date with me? Robin, that's…"

"I know, Ted, and I thought I did want to do this, but now I just…"

"It's just…seriously, Robin? This kind of sucks."

"I'm so sorry, Ted, I just…"

"Are you in love with him?"

Robin paused for a minute, and stared at Ted aghast. "Oh, come on Ted…"

"Just answer the question."

"No…no. I'm…not in love with him," Robin stuttered uncertainly and with false bravado.

Ted looked at her critically. "You're a bad liar, Robin Scherbatsky."

"Ted, it's Barney! I've been there, I've done that, and I have run the hell away. He likes boobs! He has a scrapbook of all of the women that he's slept with! And we were just sleeping together, that's all."

Ted stared at her, his face softening. "Robin, if…"

"That's _all_, Ted," she interrupted him sternly.

Ted sighed, and placed the wine list on the table. "Well, just so you know, I'm not paying for your dinner tonight."

* * *

Later that night after James and Tom had picked up Eli, Barney opened the door of his apartment to find none other than Ted Mosby, dressed in a suit and carrying a dripping yellow umbrella, looking serious.

"You suited up!" Barney said, beaming.

Ted shrugged. "I figured if we were going to have a bro's night out, I'd better dress to impress," he said, walking into the apartment. "Plus you said if I didn't you would steal my flail and hide it in the house of the next girl that you slept with."

"The means doesn't matter. That you suited up in the end, that's what matters," Barney said, patting him on the shoulder.

Ted smiled weakly at him. "So where are we going tonight, _bro_?"

* * *

"I feel like I'm at my high school prom all over again," Lily whispered to Marshall and Robin. "Only with more swanky music and slightly better beer selections."

The trio walked down a long dramatic stairwell, dressed in the nicer parts of their wardrobe, looking over the Hywet Ballroom with a kind of shared dread. People, dressed to the nines, were dancing to the blues band that was set up in the corner or loitering around the bar, already having drank too much for the night. Claudia assaulted them as soon as they made it down to the ground floor.

"You guys! I'm so, so, so happy that you could come!" she squealed in her best overwrought hostess's voice, lacing her arms into Lily's and Robin's and leading them over to the bar to sit down on the bar stools. "Got to get you girls seated, don't we?"

"Not really," Robin said, but Lily shot her a deadly look.

"So we have everything here that you can imagine, beer, liquor, wine, whatever. There's soda or whatever for you two if you want," Claudia said, referring to Lily and Robin. "Okay, have a great time!" she called over her shoulder as she ran back to the stairwell.

"Well, I feel loved," Marshall growled.

"Oh, she has a room full of people that I don't even think she likes," Lily said, waving her hand. "I bet it's like reliving her wedding. Let her be kind of a bitch."

Marshall ordered a beer and two sodas, and the three listened to a swanky rendition of Al Green's "Can't Get Next to You" by the band. Marshall finally sighed and threw his arm around Lily's shoulder. She smiled and settled into the crook of his arm. After a minute, he stood up and pulled her hand gently towards the dance floor.

"Marshall? You want to dance in public with me?" Lily asked, surprised. "I thought you said never again after that night with the tequila."

"Well, I'm feeling a little nostalgic tonight, and I'm willing to work past that," Marshall said with a grin.

"Well, we shouldn't leave…" she said, turning back to Robin.

"Don't mind me, my feet hurt too badly to get up anyway," Robin said, waving her hands. "Just go and dance."

They swayed together slowly for a few minutes before Lily looked up at him, squeezing his hands. "I think you are going to be a great dad," she said happily.

"And I think you're going to be a great mom," he said, pushing a piece of hair behind her ear. "But tonight, I am Marshall. Lover extraordinaire. Lightest man alive on his feet. Most dashing man on the dance floor."

"Yeah you are!" Lily said, encouraging. "And I'm Lily, the…girl who dances with the lightest man alive on his feet." She smiled. "I miss stuff like this. Where it's just you and me, having fun."

"Me too! And as excited as I am for the baby, I get tired of talking about it sometimes. I _like_ it just being you and me every now and then. And I think we should totally try to do this more," Marshall stated emphatically.

"Deal. To having more fun," Lily agreed. She glanced quickly over to the bar, and her brow furrowed. "Wait…where is Robin?"

* * *

"I cannot believe I talked you into this," Barney shouted over the loud music, putting on his laser tag vest. "I mean, it's undeniably awesome, but you're usually…I don't know, asleep or something at this time of night."

"What can I say, Barney, I'm ready for carnage," Ted shouted with a shrug, pretending to cock his gun.

"Now the trick is to stay together, and to duck behind the wall in the very center of the place. Those evil munchkins can sneak under the outer walls, but you can see them coming from a mile away…"

"FREEDOM!" Ted shouted, and ran into the laser tag room haphazardly.

"TED! NO!" Barney shouted, running in after him.

Barney lost Ted around the first bend of laser tag maze. He slowly slid along the walls in the thick of the synthetic fog with his guns up, alert. He shot at one, then two small opponents, before he found himself in the corner of the room, tucked behind a column. He peaked into the main floor and, seeing the cacophony of shrieking children, remained in his station.

Suddenly, from the darkness of the maze out of which he had just walked, he heard the Predator noise.

"Ted?" Barney hissed. The clicking noise got louder, and Barney's face went white. "Ted, stop hunting me."

The noise continued until Barney could feel breath in his right ear. Barney didn't turn. Instead, he slowly brought his gun up to his chest and pursed his lips.

"No sport," a heavily accented voice breathed into his ear. Suddenly a shot vibrated in Barney's chest and he turned quickly to find Ted right next to him, his arms raised in victory.

"Dude, what the hell?" Barney shouted.

"No, what the _hell_, Barney? How could you have possibly thought it was a good idea to sleep with Robin for the past two months? What were you thinking?"

Barney stared at him, his mouth agape, both of their vests now vibrating with the shots of cackling pre-teens. "I…I…don't know! Come on, Ted."

"No, you come on! Barney of all of your hair brained, ridiculous schemes to get women into bed, this is the absolute worst."

"It's not like that, Ted!" Barney said angrily. "Besides, if you knew about that, then why were you _taking Robin out on a date_? You're my best friend, Ted, I at least thought you'd learned something from the Bro Code after all of these years."

"I took her out on a date because I thought there could be something between us again! And I didn't find out about...whatever was going on between you two until I took her on the date. Plus, I cleared this with you! You said that you had no feelings for her."

"Well, I _lied_," Barney said, exasperated.

"Barney!" Ted shouted. "Come on! You've got to deal with this, this,_ inability_ to build adult relationships! You are going to be a father, and it's time to grow up."

Barney's lips pursed, and he raised his gun, raining shots on Ted's vest. Ted raised his hands, aghast. "_Dude_," he seethed evenly.

"Has it ever occurred to you that I want to _try_?" Barney shouted angrily. "Look, Ted, you may be the expert on hand holding, cold cut picnics, picking out china, not having sex, telling boring stories and pretending to listen to someone else's boring stories, watching Gossip Girl, eating tofu, decorating for holidays, and hiding your porn, but here is something that you don't know," He took a deep breath. "Becoming a father is the most terrifying and life changing event you will ever experience."

Ted shook his head. "Look, Barney, I know that you didn't plan on becoming a father…"

"No, you don't know, Ted," Barney said firmly. "Because it's never happened to you. And believe me when I say your life will change, and that you will have to make choices. Like you can continue to be awesome, with gadgets and secret identities and one, maybe four bimbos a night, or you can be slightly less awesome so that you can try to be with someone who may, in fact, be more awesome than you." He took a long breath. "And…I'm in love with Robin. And I would be willing, for the first time in my life, to be slightly less awesome in order to be the type of guy that she deserves. So…everything's changed. And it is terrifying. But I think I want to…try."

Ted stared at Barney incredulously as his friend took another deep breath. "And so, what?" Barney asked, his eyes glancing around the room as he shifted back and forth uncomfortably. "Are you guys, like, together now or something?"

Ted looked at Barney quizzically, and then dropped his gun, his lips pursed in understanding. "No, dude," he said. "I'm not going to _steal_ the girl that my good friend is into."

"Best Friend."

"Dude, right now? Good Friend," Ted said with a sigh. "But it's pretty clear that's she's into you too, so you have to tell her, because you know she'll never be the first to say it."

Barney looked up at him, surprised, and then pulled him into the tightest hug that he could get with their laser tag vests on. Young hoodlums suddenly ran past, shooting at them in plain sight and trash talking, and Barney and Ted pulled away from one another quickly. "I suddenly feel the need for carnage, too," Barney growled at the pre-teens' backs. Ted nodded solemnly, and both pretended to cock their guns.

* * *

"Robin, sweetie, are you in here?" Lily called into the women's bathroom. She found her leaning over the sink, brushing away tears falling down her cheeks, and Lily ran over to rub her back supportively.

After a moment, Marshall followed, throwing the scarf he had had tied around his head into the corner and rushing to Robin's side.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked her.

"Just that I'm an idiot, Lily," Robin said sadly.

Lily and Marshall exchanged glances. "You're an idiot?" she asked softly.

"God, yes!" Robin cried, exasperated. "I mean, come on, what was I thinking? Just because I'm going to be a mom and I think that I'm ready for a committed relationship doesn't mean that I stop wanting the things that I want! And I don't want to get married. And I want to live in places other than New York. And I want to be a network news anchor. _God._"

"Okay, sweetie, I'm not following…"

"I mean, there's responsible, and there's _insane_. And going out with Ted and thinking that I could be the type of person that might live with him, help him fix up his run down house and be a _wife_ is insane. That's not me. That will never be me. And pretending to be someone that I'm not is just…"

"Insane?" Marshall supplemented.

"Yes!" Robin cried. "And I let the one person who is always there for me, exactly the way I need him to be, the one person that doesn't want me to be anything other than me, the person that I…" she stared into the sink and sighed.

"Are we still talking about Ted?" Marshall asked, looking blankly at Lily.

Lily sighed, and rubbed Robin's back. "No, we're not," she said soothingly.

* * *

Ted and Barney walked into the Hywet Ballroom and stood at the top of the stairwell, shaking off from the downpour they had plowed through outside, scanning the room. Ted pointed towards the bar. "Oh, I think I see Lily and Marshall and Robin over…"

"Oh, look Ted, hot girls there and there and there! You go warm them up and I'll be right behind you," Barney shouted as he began to rush down the steps.

Ted sighed. "I'm not going after Robin!" he shouted, but Barney was already halfway down the stairwell. Ted began to walk slowly down the stairs before he bumped into a woman in a blue dress, slightly mussing her perfectly coiffed blonde locks. He stared at her for a full minute before speaking. "Zoey?"

"Ted?" she said, incredulously. "You know what? No. I'm having a great night, and I was here first. You should leave."

"Zoey, I…"

"Come _on_, Ted! You're just..." She spotted the umbrella in his hand and hissed. "_And _you stole my umbrella!" she cried. "Just the icing on the cake, _Ted_."

"This is not your umbrella! I've had this for years!"

* * *

"Who is this?" Marshall asked, pointing to the speakers as the DJ started to play music and the band began to pack up.

"_This_ is the Crash Test Dummies," Robin said, rolling her eyes. "Seriously, do you guys _ever_ watch my show?"

"It's kind of awesome," Marshall said, excitedly, beginning to jive back and forth and pulling Lily with him.

Robin smiled at them and turned back to the bar with a sigh, sipping on her soda.

"Daddy's home," a voice whispered into her ear.

Robin smiled to herself wider, and turned, cocking an eyebrow at Barney as he looked her up with a big, goofy smile on his face. "Yeah, that's wrong on so many levels now," she shot at him, trying to suppress a grin.

Barney shrugged. "It was either that or 'A hundred bucks says when you turn around I'll say wow', but I've already pulled that one on you by accident like ten times."

"Ten times on accident," Robin supplemented. "Then purposefully twice more as a part of plays for the girl sitting next to me at the bar."

"Wow," he said appreciatively. "And _wow_," he stated again, looking he up and down.

Robin blushed for the first time in years. "I'm fat, my feet hurt, and I had to get this dress altered since I bought it a month ago and it didn't fit anymore. Your taste in women has declined severely."

Barney beamed. "I think you look beautiful," he said simply with a shrug. "Except for the whole gut thing…"

She shoved him playfully, and he laughed. "Come on," he said, pulling her to the dance floor. She looked at him quizzically, and he sighed. "Look, I'm not going to leave you sitting here all alone. It's pathetic and beneath your level of awesome. Leave no man behind, remember?"

Robin sighed, and pulled herself off of the stool to join him on the dance floor.

"Robin!" Marshall cried, running over to them as they began to sway slowly. "Did this song just talk about UFOs?" She nodded, and Marshall did a fist pump. "I'm loving Canada right now!"

They continued to sway before Robin cleared her throat. "Look…Barney…I…" she began, but Barney interrupted her by leaning down to kiss her softly. She sighed as he pulled away, and twisted uncomfortably in his grasp. "Come on, Barney, we just talked about this."

"Look, I didn't mean it like that, okay?" he said quickly.

"Then what did you mean it like?"

He stared at her lips for a moment before slowly cupping her face with his hands and kissing her deeply, taking his time, lingering. When he finally pulled away, Robin had to catch her breath, and she stared into his eyes, smiling.

"Oh," she said simply.

"Yeah," he said, suddenly staring down towards his feet. He then turned to give her a smile. "I've been giving what you said to me careful consideration, and, if I may, I have come up with a list of personal attributes, all of which I think you would be interested to hear." She looked at him quizzically, and he grinned again. "I'm glad you asked. One. I have, in fact, taken out your garbage before."

"Okay, when have you taken out my…" Robin began.

"Two. While I have never taped a hockey game for you, I have, in fact, attended a hockey event with you on the premises."

"Yeah, that was just to hit Brad…"

"Three. I have in fact made you dinner before. And _Canadian _dinner, at that."

"What is Canadian about crab legs?"

"Because Canada is entirely surrounded by the ocean, Robin. Keep up. And four. I have had awesome, mind-blowing sex with you before. Up top, Sherbatsky," he sang out, slapping her hand awkwardly. "So if you were looking for someone who is capable of doing these things, I would have to say, with my excellent qualifications, that I more than deserve the job," he stated with a knowing smile. "And not Ted," he added quickly.

Robin smoothed her fingers over his cheek. "No, it's…not Ted." She smiled at him sadly. "You're right, and I'm sorry. I was a jerk."

Barney laughed. "Oh, sweet, naive, Robin. Have I ever told you about the time that I think I sold a woman?"

The swayed for a moment longer as Marshall began to sing drunkenly to Lily along with the song. "When I'm swimming in! When I'm swimming in your ocean! Floating on…something…and scented lotions, well. I can get pretty sidetracked, I hope you'll understand!" He made some kind of awkward dance move that had Lily laughing hysterically. "We are buying this off of iTunes as soon as we get home," he cried.

Barney and Robin exchanged smiles and danced for a moment more. "So," Barney stated, clearing his throat. "Do you want to go have sex in the bathroom now?"

"Absolutely," Robin said.

Barney beamed and began to lead her off of the dance floor. "This is going to be legen…wait for it…"

* * *

"Dary!" Barney shouted triumphantly, beaming at Teddy, raising his glass. "The…triumphant…end."

Teddy frowned and shook her head. "That was…_lame_."

"What?" Robin cried. "No way."

"Yeah, that was epic!" Barney agreed.

Teddy shook her head. "'Oh,' 'Yeah,' Discuss garbage. How is that anyway to end a love story? I rule that it was not That Moment. No Lifetime movies for you two."

"Oh, come on! Why does all love have to be like that?" Robin said. "With…orchestras and love at first sight and marriage in a big white church and happily ever after? Sometimes it ends with… an 'Oh', 'yeah' and sex in the bathroom."

"Yeah, it's not always something that people can point at and 'There's love!' Sometimes it's not a sickening, emasculating romance like Lily and Marshall or Ted and Zoey have…it's an awesome, legendary _bro_mance." He grinned at Robin, and took her hand in his. "And that can be perfect."

Robin smiled at him and gave him a chaste kiss that put a warm smile on Teddy's lips.

The bartender made a last call, and Teddy looked at horror at her watch as she began to get out of the booth. "Alright, family, you've successfully uprooted all of my stable upbringing and now have me rethinking my entire worldview the day before my marriage. Thanks a lot for that."

"No problem," Barney said, toasting his drink to her.

"Anytime," Robin echoed.

The group exchanged hugs and kisses, and Teddy walked out of the door of MacLaren's and stood out on the street, waving for a taxi. Tears suddenly threatened to run down her cheeks and she swiped at them quickly.

"Hey," a voice came from behind her. She turned to see her father standing there, hands in his suit pockets, looking at her sheepishly. "Do you still love me?"

Teddy looked at him as tears ran down her face. "Of course, Daddy," she cried, as she rushed over to hug him. He held her tightly, cupping the back of her head for a moment with his hand, mussing her hair. "You're not such a bad guy, Barney Stinson," she murmured into his shoulder, and he laughed and pulled away. "That's of course assuming that _this_ story is true," she said with a shake of her finger.

"Of course!" Barney said. Then he paused, considering. "Well, mostly." As she sighed at him, he laughed. "Come on, don't I look like the kind of guy you can trust?"

* * *

Madison Mosby and Jason Erikson rushed into Teddy's dressing room the day of her wedding, shutting the door fast behind them.

"Oh my God, please tell me you guys brought the scotch," Teddy cried, smoothing down her dress quickly and pulling her veil away from her face.

Jason pulled out a flask from underneath of his suit coat and Madison pulled three glasses from her purse. "Only one shot, though," Jason murmured as he poured the glasses. He then handed her a small tablecloth he had undoubtedly stolen from the dining room. "And put this over your dress!"

Teddy draped the cloth over her and grabbed her glass quickly as Madison and Jason burst out laughing, pointing at her. "God, I wish we brought a camera, Teddy! Just _look _at yourself right now," Madison choked out between laughs.

Teddy glanced in the mirror, snickering for a minute at herself wrapped haphazardly in a cloth, veil poofed awkwardly over her hair. "I don't care," she said finally turning back to the other two, raising her glass higher. "Just drink with me. It's my wedding day."

The three took a shot, and slammed the glasses back onto the table. "My folks told me that your folks finally told you they're not married," Jason said, coughing. "That has to be ridiculous."

Teddy glared at him. "We'll discuss how you knew this and never told me at the reception. And yeah, in some ways, it totally was, but in some ways…it was better than the story they had always told me. The subject of how to sneak out of your folks' bathroom window came up, though."

Jason's face went white. "You didn't tell them how to do it, though, did you? They would _murder_ me if they knew about that."

"Nah," Teddy said, taking off the table cloth to give herself one last look over in the mirror as she heard the music start in the ballroom. "I played dumb. Leave no man behind, right?"

* * *

**Twenty-Four Years Earlier**

"I thought sitting around in suits in a hospital would be awkward," Ted said to Marshall, shifting slightly in the waiting room seats, holding pink balloons in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in another. "But it's not really."

"It's kind of awesome, actually," Marshall said in agreement, balancing a basket on his knee. "People look at me and whisper like I'm super important. I kind of like it."

Lily walked up to them, handing each a cup of coffee, sitting down slowly with one hand over her large belly. "Well, I finally filled up the card on my digital camera. You can pay up whenever you want, Marshall."

"You seriously filled up that _whole_ thing?" Marshall looked at her in disbelief. "The baby has only been here for a day, Lily, how did you take so many pictures of her already?"

"She's our first _niece_, Marshall. And we both know Robin can't use a camera to save her life. It's up to the auntie to capture the moment."

"And you did. Over and over and over," Marshall growled.

Barney suddenly rushed in to the waiting room, wearing a tuxedo and brandishing a video camera and a bag of butterscotch in one hand, a tiny dress suit in the other, and speaking loudly into a hands-free telephone receiver. "Just do it…Yes…No, she was just _born _a few hours ago, so no, she doesn't have a name yet. Why does that matter? Look, remember the time I saved your ass when I kept that _disagreement_ between North Korea and Monaco from...I'm just saying that you might _owe_ me. Great. Great. We'll keep in touch." He hung up quickly and ran over to the group. "You all suited up! Fantastic! Look, I got it altered," he said, showing them the small dress suit. "_And_ I got another tape for the camera. _What up!_"

"Oh, I'm going to need to take more pictures!" Lily squealed. She turned to Marshall. "Sweetie, do you think you could run out and get another card for the camera? Oh, that can be how you pay off our bet!"

Marshall glared at Lily as Ted laughed. "How is Robin?" he asked Barney.

He began to chuckle evilly. "Let's just say the apparently LSD type magic of the epidural can and should be shared by all, my friends. Especially by those on YouTube." he cackled, fumbling with the camera. "But she should be fine," he finished more seriously.

Lily started to laugh. "Oh, that's not an epidural thing. That's a Robin thing." Everyone turned to stare at her questioningly. "Robin's really sensitive to pain medication…most of it makes her super loopy. How did you guys not know that?"

"Barney, dear!" Loretta, Barney's mother, called as she walked out of the maternity ward and into the waiting room, giving Barney a kiss on the cheek. "You must be so excited! I just left Robin with someone who was going to fill out the baby's birth certificate with her. What are you going to call the little sweetheart?"

Barney stared at Lily, who stared back in horror. Then, the entire group ran awkwardly to Robin's room.

They found Robin sitting up in the bed, tucking a blanket around the baby as she slept in the bassinet next to her bed. "_Guys_. Oh my God, you _guys_." she called emphatically, grinning goofily. "Meet…Theodore Scherbatsky! After the man that made all of this possible!"

Barney stared at her in horror. "Do you think the birth certificate woman is still here?" he whispered hoarsely to Marshall.

"She's already gone for the day," Robin's nurse whispered to him as she walked out of the room.

Marshall turned to Barney. "Look, the procedure for doing it sucks, but people change their names all the time. I can help you out with that once Robin is doing a less convincing impression of Mick Jagger."

But Ted walked up to Robin, his hand over his mouth. "You guys named her after _me_?" he choked out, moving his hand over his heart. "That's just…you _guys_."

"Well, maybe you could call her Thea," Lily whispered to Barney. "Or Teddy! That's cute."

* * *

_Author's Note_: Thanks for reading!


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